Pieces
by WanhedaKomSkaikru
Summary: "'You need to let her go' were the last words she heard… and Clarke knew. Deep down, she knew." –– Clexa AU. Clarke misses someone and she meets a mysterious stranger. But we all have our secrets and we all have our demons…
1. Chapter 1

_Clexa AU_

Dear potential reader, thanks for choosing to read this fanfic. I'm from Germany so I'd like to apologize for any mistakes I might make, I hope you forgive me ;)

I also hope you won't cringe too much during this story, I'll try to keep a healthy balance between hurt and comfort. I'm just more the drama type of person so I can't promise anything ;)  
Thanks for reading, I hope you like it!

* * *

 **Chapter 1**

"You need to let her go!" were the last words the blonde girl heard before she closed the door loudly behind herself and made her way downstairs and out of the building. She'd never expected for the day to turn out this way but she honestly did not care anymore. It wasn't the first time she had gone through a fight like this and it wasn't the first time she left with those words in her ears. She knew they would repeat themselves over and over again until she'd eventually fall asleep later.

She waved for a cab, relaxed into the backseat of the car and pulled out her phone. A few missed calls and unread texts but she didn't care to bother. Quickly dialing a number, she closed her eyes and waited for the other person to pick up the phone.

 _"Clarke? What's wrong?"_

 _"Bell, hey. I'm sorry to bother you, I know you're kinda busy but I need you to check on O later, I just left her in a huge fight, it was about **her** again and I couldn't deal with it. I still can't deal with it. I just need you to make sure she's okay."_

 _"Look I don't know what happened two months ago but I'm sure O has her reasons to protect her and whatever the fight was about this time, there's nothing I can do anymore. I can check on her and make sure she won't get in trouble but we both know that you have to grow some balls and either fight or let **her** go. O is right, Clarke."_

 _"I know. I'm sorry. Gotta go, love you Bell. And thanks again."_

 _"Take care, C."_

If she was being honest, this was exactly what she expected Bellamy to react like. She had called him almost every time after she and Octavia had a fight, she knew she could trust him. She knew, no matter how much he supported Octavia and not Clarke in this, he'd be there.

As she slowly made her way up to her apartment, she felt the exhaustion of the day kick in, she felt tired and when she finally stepped into her small place and closed the door, she couldn't hold back the tears anymore.

It was two months ago that she walked into the apartment and knew it would never be the same again. It was two months ago that she collapsed on the floor. She just couldn't move out yet. She just couldn't move on yet. As she walked towards her bedroom, she walked past that closed door. It had been two months since she last opened it. She knew she wouldn't be capable of all the memories and feelings that would come crushing down on her if she entered the room. She turned away and quickly disappeared into her bedroom, ready to cry herself to sleep. Before turning off the lights, she pulled out a crinkled photo, looked at it for a long moment, put it back under her pillow and closed her eyes.

"Raven, please come back to me", she whispered.

* * *

 _Don't give up on me yet, it's my first fanfic. I promise the second chapter will be longer. :)_


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Clarke woke up before her alarm clock. She fell asleep immediately last night but kept having nightmares and felt even more exhausted and tired now. She padded through her place, eyes barely open and started the coffee machine. Breathing in the scent of fresh coffee, she felt awake enough to open her eyes and check her phone. Again, a few missed calls and texts from her mom and her workmate – and one from Octavia.

 _ **Octavia (6:32am):** Clarke, u know I'm right.. sorry I shouted at u though. meet me for lunch at 2? xoxo_

Clarke sighed and took a long sip from her coffee before she typed a short message.

* * *

After a shower and a second coffee, she grabbed her keys, pocketed her phone and left for work. It was October, it was sunny and not too cold, so she decided to walk. Twenty minutes later, she arrived at her workplace, a small gallery. While her actual job was at a bar at night, she loved the two days every week where she could help out at the gallery. Art was something that had always been a part of her life, so she was thankful for this opportunity. It wasn't much, but it was something. She spent her morning moving paintings around for the new exhibition and got lost in her thoughts.

"I knew you'd forget about our lunch date, girl!" a grinning Octavia shouted across the gallery, leaning against the doorframe. Clarke looked up, not sure if she was relieved that Octavia knew her so well or if she felt guilty for pretty much forgetting the lunch date. She sighed and made her way to Octavia. She tried to smile but it didn't work out as well as she had hoped.

"Hey Clarke, what's up? No, don't cry. Hey... look at me." Clarke didn't know what to say or do and before she knew, she slowly hugged Octavia and finally noticed the tears that were already running down her cheeks.

"I saw her again last night, O. I dreamed of that day again, I heard her voice."

"I know…"

"I don't know what to do anymore…"

"I know. Let's get you something to eat, it's probably been long enough since your last meal."

Clarke nodded. No matter what had happened, no matter how hard times had been… Octavia had always been there.

* * *

" _Clarkypoo, I'll leave with or without you! C'mon, get up already! I made you coffee!" Raven was running through their apartment, clearly excited for their weekend–roadtrip. It was way too early for Clarke's brain to function at all and she had never understood how Raven could be so energetic at such an unholy time._

" _Clarke! I'm putting on my shoes! … Now I'm putting on my jacket! … Clarke get up!" Raven, fully dressed now and ready to go, stormed into Clarke's bedroom and jumped onto the blonde who was dangerously close to falling asleep again._

" _Raven what the actual fuck! Screw you! Oh and fuck off! And get me my coffee. And say you're sorry! And you know what? Gimme a hug because I love you!"_

" _You're gross, Griffin. Get your gay under control, a certain Mister won't approve!"_

" _A certain Mister can suck my dick. Where's my coffee?"_

 _Raven smirked at the blonde's comment and brought the girl her coffee._

Clarke smiled at the photo of her and Raven in their tiny old car. It had been almost twenty years old but Raven had always refused to give up on it, claiming she could repair anything. They had gone on many roadtrips together, and Clarke had loved it. Every moment they had spent on the road, at beaches or in cities and towns they'd never even heard the name of.

Clarke missed her. Two months and she still couldn't handle that the girl was gone. Octavia kept telling her it wasn't her fault and that she had to let her go and deep down, she knew Octavia was right.

* * *

"But whatttt if I meet the love of my life tonight?" Octavia whined. She was driving Clarke crazy – a typical Friday.

"I'm sure the love of your life will love you, no matter what clothes you wear, O. You look fantastic anyway, so would you please calm down? Thanks."

"Clarkeee you're supposed to help me! What about that shirt? Isn't that better than this?"

"You know what? Just go naked, I'm sure the potential love of your life would like that even more." Clarke was losing her patience. She had to be at the bar at 8pm sharp, 10 minutes left and Octavia didn't seem like she was planning on being ready within the next hour.

Somewhere under the clothes that Octavia had pulled out of her closet, Clarke's phone went off.

"Octavia, I swear if that's my boss and I'm losing my job because you're not willing to go meet your soulmate naked, I'll kill you!"

"Soulmate, huh? Clarke calm down, soulmates don't exist and this is not your boss, it's your mom." Octavia laughed.

"Oh great. Then answer and tell her I'm on my way to the workplace she will never accept, to do a job she'll never accept, waiting for my best friend to show up naked and meet the love of her life, which my mom probably will approve of. Both things. Just bring my phone, okay? I'm out O, see ya later! And you look gorgeous, keep that outfit!"

"I'm not gonna–" Octavia heard the door shut close before she could protest "–bye Clarke." She sighed. _"Hi Mrs Griffin!"_

* * *

She'd been at work for only an hour but to Clarke, it already felt like an eternity. Octavia had shown up 20 minutes later with Jasper and Monty who used to be Raven's workmates and quickly became good friends with Octavia and Clarke, too.

The group seemed to have fun and Clarke felt a bit sad, knowing she had to work at least 4 more hours until she could join her friends.

When her shift ended, Clarke promised Octavia she'd be back in a bit and went out into the cold night, sighed, pulled out a matchstick and lit her cigarette.

"Can I bum one?"

"Sure." Clarke didn't really bother to look up, just handed the other person the pack of cigarettes.

"Thanks. A lighter?"

"What about it"

"Well, do you have one?"

"No, sorry. Was my last match, too."

"Could I borrow your cigarette for a second then?"

If she hadn't been so tired, Clarke would have gotten annoyed by the other person. She looked up and saw something she hadn't expected.

"What the…"

"May I borrow your cig?" The person asked again and her lips formed a shadow of a smile.

Clarke nodded but didn't make a move to hand the burning cigarette over to the stranger in front of her. Honestly, it was too much. The woman in front of her was breathtakingly beautiful with her long brown slightly curly hair, her sharp jawline, her full lips and those deep, green eyes. But those weren't the only things she noticed. The brunette had several bruises on her arms, and her left eye and bottom lip must have caught a serious punch or two.

Before Clarke could react, the stranger leaned in, and lit her cigarette on Clarke's, never losing eye contact with the blonde. As she pulled away, she smiled again.

"Thanks, stranger."

And then she disappeared into the night.


	3. Chapter 3

She didn't sleep well that night. Actually, she almost didn't sleep at all. She kept thinking about the stranger she met outside the bar a few hours earlier. Clarke knew she wouldn't be able to stop herself from thinking about the brunette, so she tried to focus on those eyes and her hair but her mind kept wandering back to those bruises. Her first impression was that the woman had gotten herself into a fight but the longer Clarke thought about it, the more she was sure that it couldn't have been a fight. Some bruises looked fresher than others.

" _Calm down Griff, she's just a stranger. You'll never see her again and it's none of your business. Okay? Stop trying to figure out what happened to that woman. None. Of your. Business. You can't keep thinking about her!",_ she cursed herself for not stopping herself. She cursed herself for trying to figure out the woman's story. And maybe, she also cursed herself for not asking for the brunette's name.

* * *

 _ **Octavia** **(9:12am):**_ _Clarkee I need ur help! I know it's kinda your day off and u just wanna sleep but u gotta buy me breakfast! I'm broke af so pls? anywhere u want! xoxo_

Clarke had been staring at her ceiling for hours when she noticed the message pop up on the screen. She wouldn't get any sleep at all anyway, no matter if she stayed in bed or not. She got up, took a quick shower and turned up at Octavia's apartment thirty minutes later.

"I thought you were still asleep, you didn't answer my text! What are you doing here?"

Clarke held up a bag, "bought you breakfast. Got you a coffee too, wasn't sure about that either."

"Oh. My. God. Clarke you're my savior. I'd marry you if I wasn't so straight and you not such a jerk."

"Thanks, I guess."

"So, any plans for the day I already ruined?", Octavia asked while she threw a crumbled piece of paper into Clarke's face. "No? Good. Read that! We're going!"

"What's tha– oh. A concert? You know I'm not into live stuff. I'm sure Bell and Echo would love to go with you, though." Clarke mumbled.

"I mean it's not that I–"

"Clarke?"

"What?"

"Shut the fuck up. We're going."

"No we're not. I actually promised my mom to stop by for dinner and I'm really considering not breaking that promise right now."

"You actually promised that and I actually remember. Well, go see your mom. Really. But Clarke?"

"What."

"Next time. Next time you're coming!"

* * *

Clarke hadn't seen her mother in several months and she actually felt bad about it. She was still her mom, she still cared about her daughter. Even if they grew to disagree on most topics, she still cared.

"Clarke, honey, I'm so glad you could make it." Abby said and leaned forward to hug her daughter, who slightly but firmly backed away. Abby was disappointed but didn't let it show, it was nothing unusual.

"Come in, Finn is already here, too. He's in the kitchen with dad." Clarke frowned at her mother's choice of words, but she had long given up to argue. The dinner went well, quite peaceful. They didn't speak much but the silence was not as uncomfortable as it could be sometimes. Later into the evening found Clarke sitting on the steps of the patio, with her glass of wine and a cigarette. She heard steps but didn't bother turn around, and then felt a wool blanket over her shoulders.

"I'm sorry about mom. I know you hate it when she calls him your dad." Finn mumbled and sat down next to Clarke. She hadn't seen her stepbrother since Christmas last year and she was still surprised that he still seemed to keep growing.

"Is that a beer in your hand there, kiddo?" Clarke smiled at Finn. "God, when did you actually grow up? 17 now, wow. I'm surprised Marc actually let's you drink already."

"He's not that bad, you know... Just because you don't get along with him, doesn't mean I don't get along with him either. He's my dad, he's cool. In his own way, I guess. He makes mom happy, you know that."

"Yeah. I think that's the only reason why I kind of accept him." Clarke said calmly.

"I know, C. Heyyy, would you mind stopping by the hospital on Monday? I'll kind of be on my own and I'd feel so much more comfortable if I knew you were around."

Clarke laughed. "Mom asked you to ask me, didn't she?"

Clarke actually graduated from medical school and used to work in her mother's hospital for a few months before she quit, moved to the big city and started her own life. Abby seemed to understand but both of them knew that she would never really forgive Clarke for "throwing her life away like that".

"Hey kiddo, I don't wanna talk about that now. I promise I'll think about it. Maybe. But only for you. Not for her. Now tell me about you. What've you been up to? What's new with the girls?" she lovingly nudged his shoulder and smiled. She loved Finn. They weren't as close as siblings could be, definitely not as close as Octavia and Bellamy, but Clarke and Finn trusted each other, and they never used bad words, which was so much more than they could've asked for, especially being a part of this family.

* * *

" _How did dinner go yesterday? Lemme guess, you guys didn't really talk at all and before Marc could pour out some homophobic bullshit and your mom could again start discussing the failure you call your life, you and Finn escaped to the patio?_

" _Shit, you really do know my family. Yeah about Finn... he kinda asked me if he could move in here since I technically have a spare room."_

" _Clarke, that's..."_

" _I know. I need you here to help me move all the stuff out. Preferably any time soon since he's turning 18 next week."_ Clarke tried to stay calm. She was sure that Octavia had heard her voice shake here and there, but she was doing her best to not worry her friend.

" _Clarke, Bell and Echo could help, you don't have to–"_

" _No, I want to. Maybe it has some healing effect or something. Bring Bellamy though. Just in case."_

" _Of course, we'll be there. Tomorrow, 10am?"_

" _Perfect. Thanks, O."_

She knew it was a mistake. She knew she shouldn't be the one moving Raven's stuff out of this room, she shouldn't be there. But a part of her hoped being involved in the packing part would somehow help her let go. She had to try.


	4. Chapter 4

"Grifff! Cannu just pour me an– anoth– 'hat one yess! Gimme!" Octavia was absolutely drunk when Clarke arrived. Clarke laughed, threw her jacket under the bar and mixed Octavia a non–alcoholic cocktail. She already began to sober out a bit and Clarke was sure she'd have a nice little headache tomorrow morning but she wouldn't throw up, that's all Clarke could do for her.

"Hey lady! .. Lady!" Clarke turned around to a customer trying to get her attention. He was a tall tattooed bald guy who clearly worked out a lot.

"Yeah. Can you bring that woman over there another... whatever she's drinking?" He nodded towards a woman sitting on the other side of the bar. Clarke nodded. Her shift had just started, so she could only guess what people around her were drinking but with that _Lady_ , it was fairly easy. She opened the beer and slid it across the counter, slightly bumping it into the other woman's elbow who turned around when she heard Clarke's raspy voice. "That guy over there is buying you a drink, he's really handsom– oh."

"Hey stranger", the brunette gave Clarke a small smile, took the beer and got up to walk to the guy to thank him, as Clarke assumed. She couldn't help but happen to clean the counter as close to the woman and her admirer as necessary to hear them, maybe she could catch the woman's name.

"Thanks for the beer, but I was planning for this one" she held her own bottle up, "to be my last." But I'm sure that short brunette over there would like to have it, she's been looking at you for the last 20 minutes." the woman said politely. There was silence for a few seconds and Clarke looked up just in time to see the brunette smile at her before she left the bar.

Clarke didn't believe in fate. She believed in coincidences. And she knew, a third coincidence which would give her the chance to actually talk to the stunning brunette, wouldn't happen. Now or never. She hesitated for a moment, then almost ran out of the bar, checking left and right but the stranger seemed to be long gone. Clarke sighed, lit her cigarette, let herself fall against the cold wall behind her and closed her eyes. She opened them again when she felt her cigarette being removed from between her fingers and blinked twice when she saw who stole it. Puffing out the smoke, smiling, the brunette winked at her. She was wearing a jacket and her hair was slightly covering a part of her face, so Clarke couldn't make out any shadows or scrapes.

"You're not even bothering to ask anymore, just take what you want?"

"I didn't think you'd mind. You didn't exactly seem to pay a lot attention to your surroundings." the brunette mocked, but in such a lovingly way that made Clarke smile.

"I'm Clarke by the way."

"Yeah, I could tell from the badge on your shirt. It's nice to meet you again, Clarke."

"You're not gonna tell me your name, are you?"

"Where'd be the fun in that?" She paused for a moment and Clarke didn't quite know how to react. She was desperate now to know the woman's name but couldn't ask again, she kind of loved the mystery ways of the brunette.

"Let's try something. You let me buy you a coffee tomorrow and I'll tell you my name. Does that sound fair?"

"That sound like I'm in for a double win." Clarke raised an eyebrow.

"Then why would you say No?" The brunette smiled, buried her hands in her coat, took a few steps backwards, then turned around and left a confused Clarke behind.

"Wait, where and when?" Clarke shouted but the woman was gone.

* * *

"Griffin! Look, we brought alcohol!" Bellamy shouted as they entered her apartment, holding up two bottles of vodka.

"A lot of it!" Octavia shouted as well, following him, holding up two more bottles. Clarke smiled and welcomed them both with a tight hug.

"Thanks guys, but I'm afraid I can't drink, really."

"Huh? Are you sick? Alcohol helps fight a cold and other mean sicknesses, you know?" Octavia furrowed a brow.

"No I actually have to be sober later. And oh, we don't have much time I guess. We better get going." Clarke explained, hoping they wouldn't question it.

"Griffin's got a date." Octavia stated, grinning wildly.

"I do not have a date!" Clarke protested.

"Oh my God, you like her!" Bellamy knew exactly, just as Octavia, that Clarke was kind of hiding something, but not really though.

"Shut up Blake. Here, the key. Go open the door, thanks." Clarke handed him the key and Bellamy, hesitating for a moment, opened the door. Octavia reached down for Clarke's hand and squeezed it gently, to tell Clarke that it was okay, that she would be okay.

The room was exactly how Raven left it two months ago and Clarke felt tears coming up. She remembered that morning. She remembered how Raven hadn't said a thing, how she seemed upset. She remembered how she tried to talk to her best friend but realized she couldn't do anything at the moment. She remembered how Raven closed the door behind her as she left.

"We're here, okay? It's okay." Octavia said, almost whispered, giving her a smile. Clarke nodded and they slowly began to sort Raven's stuff and clear the room.

 _ **The Boss** **(12:29pm):** Clarke, someone left a note at the door. Maybe you know who and how and why. It only says 'across the street' and '2'. Figure it out maybe? Thanks. See you tonight._

Clarke immediately knew what that meant. "Sorry guys, can't stay any longer but we're almost finished anyway, aren't we? Thanks again, so so much. I owe you one! Love you!" she shouted as the ran out of the door, maybe a bit too excited as she should've been and maybe a bit too happy, considering she had just cleaned out Raven's room.

* * *

"How did you know that my boss would find the note and not just throw it away but actually ask me to figure out its meaning?" Clarke asked as she raised an eyebrow and approached, the brunette already standing in front of the small café across the street.

"It's all about hope.", the stranger smiled and opened the door for Clarke.


	5. Chapter 5

Clarke leaned back in her chair. "So now you basically know everything about me and I still don't know anything about you, only that you tend to bum cigarettes every once in a while."

"Let's say you have three questions." the brunette winked and took another sip from her tea.

Clarke raised an eyebrow. "Okay let's play that game. Well I know you're a smoker, at least occasionally. You drink non–alcoholic beer, so you probably drink less to none, you prefer tea over coffee, you seem quite in shape. I'd bet you care a lot about your health. Unlike me..." Clarke blushed slightly but continued.

"So that's what I already know. I don't want to ask you weird questions though, your age would be something I could figure out at one point–"

"If we meet again that is, yes." the brunette tossed in, smirking.

"If... yes. You promised to tell me your name, so I won't ask that either." The blonde took her time and the stranger waited patiently, never fully losing her small smile.

"So how come you take a random girl on a–" Clarke stopped. No one had declared this a date, she had just assumed it, but the brunette was such a mystery that Clarke honestly had no idea what her intentions were. The brunette raised an eyebrow.

"–that you buy her a coffee?" Clarke tried to save the situation but was pretty sure it didn't quite play out as planned and the woman knew exactly what she was about to ask.

"Well, you seemed like you wanted to know my name and I figured you liked coffee, so why not combine?"

"Then what is your name?"

"Are you wasting your question on something I promised to tell you anyway?"

"Yes? … No? No I'm not! I never asked that!" Clarke stumbled across her own words and the brunette laughed. "Okay, I never heard it."

"Are you always so mysterious?"

"You find me mysterious?"

"Yes? I guess. I don't know, I know nothing about you."

"Maybe you're asking the wrong questions, Clarke." The woman smiled and tilted her head a little while Clarke couldn't help but blush again. She had asked two questions without getting answers, so she figured they wouldn't count. She still had two questions left.

"Do you realize how beautiful you are?" Clarke blurted out before she could stop herself.

The brunette nodded slightly, which could have been a _Yes_ or a _Thank you_ or a _I don't think so_. Clarke had no idea but she knew she only had one question left. One more chance to screw things up, one more chance to embarrass herself. One more chance to find out who the stranger was.

Without thinking, Clarke slowly stood and looked down and the woman who didn't appear to follow Clarke and get up herself. She just sat there and watched the blonde.

"Come with me." Clarke said.

* * *

"Where are you taking me?"

"Honestly? I have no idea."

 _Clarke had turned around and walked out of the café when the stranger wouldn't move. She suddenly felt stupid and couldn't take it any longer, so she exited the small place as quickly as possible, lit a cigarette, breathed in as deeply as she could, when she felt a hand on her arm, stopping her from walking away, ever so gently._

At first she panicked, not knowing how to go on, but now she was actually relieved that the brunette had accepted her _invitation_ which wasn't one, really.

The two walked through the park for a few minutes, not going anywhere in particular, not saying anything, until they silently agreed on sitting down on a bench.

"So you're 26, basically a _kinda doctor_ , grew up in a small town, moved to New York after you quit the –according to your mom– best job you'll ever get, to be a bartender and help out in an art gallery. Finn, your stepbrother, actually wants to be a doctor, so he's your mom's favorite, your friend Octavia and her brother Bellamy are, again, _kind of_ the most important people in your life, and your dad of course. You've been drawing and painting your whole life, you enjoy a glass of wine, _or two_ every once in a while. Is there anything else I'd need to know about you, Clarke?"

Clarke didn't know if she was awed or in shock. The brunette had remembered every little detail and every choice of words that Clarke had rambled back in that café. She hesitated for a moment. She thought about Raven. She had no idea why but she felt like she could trust that stranger next to her. She just didn't know whether she was ready to talk about it. She chose not to mention her best friend and instead raised her head and looked the brunette straight in the eye, determined to get to know her and ask her final question.

Several moments passed and she still hadn't said a word. She couldn't think, let alone speak. She was met with those deep green eyes that she couldn't stop herself thinking about the first night she had seen them. Her eyes, out of Clarke's control, moved down to the woman's full lips which slightly parted. She knew exactly what Clarke was looking at.

Before Clarke knew what she was doing, she gently cupped the brunette's cheek and pulled her in for a kiss. Their lips barely met, Clarke was sure that this was the softest kiss she had ever felt.

She was kissing a stranger, a person she knew absolutely nothing about, but for some reason it felt familiar, somehow it felt right. She didn't know what it was exactly, though. They only kissed for a few seconds, which felt like an eternity though to them. Finally fully realizing what she was doing, Clarke pulled away and opened her eyes.

"I– shit. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't... I mean I better go. I don't–"

"Lexa."

"What?"

"My name is Lexa."


	6. Chapter 6

**Note** : _I keep having formatting issues. They're only in the app though, the chapters seem totally fine on the website (desktop version). I really hope you can't see them or at least don't care. (They occur when I try to correct mistakes, so I decided to leave those mistakes because they're much less annoying than the formatting issues.)_

 _Also, thanks for the first review! :)_

* * *

Clarke leaned against her door and closed her eyes, trying to steady her breathing. After the kiss with _Lexa_ , she panicked and ran home, not looking back once. If Lexa wanted to see her again, she knew where to find her but she wasn't sure whether she really wanted the brunette to show up. Clarke was confused. She felt something in that kiss. The kiss meant something. And it also meant something to Lexa, she was sure. Especially because the brunette did not back away and seemed calm, as always, after Clarke pulled away.

She felt bad for leaving Lexa like this but she couldn't handle the situation anymore.

She sent a quick text to Octavia, telling her she was okay and thanked her, again, for being there for her earlier that day when they moved Raven's stuff out. _Raven..._ Clarke fell asleep and for the first time in two months, she had no nightmares. She just saw a small smile on full lips and deep green eyes.

* * *

The day at the gallery went faster than Clarke thought, there was still a lot to do until the exhibition so everyone was stressed but they were making progress everyday and Clarke enjoyed it.

When she arrived at the bar later, her breathing became a little harder and her stomach turned a bit. She was nervous but tried to not let it show and remain calm and cool. There was no reason for the brunette to be there or show up. Then again, she had been there twice in such a short time, although Clarke had never seen her in or around the bar before. She sighed when she entered. Lexa was nowhere to be seen and although she was disappointed, Clarke was also thankful.

Maybe it was just a date and a kiss and nothing more. Maybe it didn't mean anything to the brunette at all, maybe she was just being nice when she kissed her back because she didn't want to freak Clarke out. Plus, she hadn't told Clarke anything. Only her name. Clarke cursed herself when she made her way to the staff room, for wasting her questions like that. It would've been boring and a cheap way but she could've asked Lexa whether she was actually interested or what her phone number was.

Octavia showed up later, greeted the blonde behind the bar and ordered two beers.

"O, don't you want to start slowly, like, with one beer?"

"She's only drinking one beer, I'm having the second." a male voice said and Clarke realized that Octavia wasn't alone. In fact, she was with that tall tattooed bald gym guy who had tried to hit on Lexa two nights ago. She smirked, opened the bottles and wished them a nice evening.

Clarke lit her cigarette and inhaled deeply. She secretly hoped Lexa would appear and bum one, she missed the mysterious woman more than Clarke wanted to admit. She sighed and went back in, feeling a light sting in her heart when she realized that Lexa wouldn't show up.

* * *

The next morning, Clarke woke up at an unholy time but couldn't go back to sleep. She just couldn't get Lexa out of her mind either, no matter how hard she tried. Her eyes, her smile, her hands and the feeling of her lips on Clarke's. She looked at her phone, 5:32am. She sighed but got up, she could actually watch the sun rise if she hurried a little. She had often done that with her boyfriend whom she broke up with a long time ago. She had always loved the cold air and seeing the sun slowly rise above the Central Park. She took a quick shower, grabbed her coffee cup, her keys and her guitar and left the building.

Clarke rarely played the guitar anymore but from time to time, she needed it. She sat down on the grass with a good view for the sunrise later, closed her eyes and began to play.

 _"I'm not that wise so I keep it inside  
_ _cause the distance is taxing I can't relax so I  
_ _take a walk outside  
_ _and I look at the world through my sad eyes_

 _I should've called you on the phone  
_ _but I was scared to let you know, I need you..."_

She didn't open her eyes after she finished the song and remained quiet for a few seconds.

"I didn't know you played the guitar."

Clarke's eyes shot open at the voice. Lexa was sitting in front of her, legs stretched out, leaning on her hands, again with a small smile on her lips.

"What are you doing here? I mean... shouldn't you be, I don't know, asleep or something?" Clarke asked confused, realizing what time it was.

"That song was beautiful, I've never heard it before." Lexa said, completely ignoring her question.

"Yeah well I um," Clarke started, blushing, "I wrote it, so..."

"It's beautiful." was all the brunette said, still smiling, never losing eye contact with Clarke.

"I'm sorry about the other day, I didn't mean to run away like that, I shouldn't have freaked out and I should've, you know... I mean you bought me a coffee and I didn't even say thank you and I–"

"Clarke."

Clarke stopped her rambling and looked at the brunette.

"The kiss was a _Thank you_ I wouldn't have expected, it was more than I could've asked for."

"So you're not mad at me?" Clarke felt a spark of hope rushing through her veins and her breathing slightly fastened.

"No, I'm not mad at you. Neither for the kiss nor for running away. I'm just glad we met this morning. Look, the sun..." Lexa pointed in the direction of the sunrise and Clarke stopped herself from further rambling, she wouldn't have been able to form any sentence that actually made sense anyway, she didn't even know what to say at all. She was relieved the brunette was not mad at her, she was relieved that the brunette seemed to having enjoyed the kiss. Lexa was still a mystery to her but she was determined to find out who the person behind those beautiful eyes was.

They sat in silence, watching the sun rise slowly above the city until Lexa turned her head and waited for the blonde to look at her.

"I have to go."

"I'd like to see you again, Lexa, I... well would you, I mean... ugh I'm so bad at this." Clarke blushed and shook her head.

"I'd love to." Lexa nodded and got up. As she walked away, she once turned her head to look back at Clarke and sent her a small smile which made Clarke forget how to breathe for a second. Clarke knew she was fucked. She was really falling for the brunette and she still knew nothing about her.


	7. Chapter 7

"Hey stranger!" Clarke smiled at the voice and looked up at a smiling Lexa on the other side of the counter.

"Hey yourself! Can I get you anything?"

"A Martini, thanks." Lexa smiled and sat down on a barstool.

"Wait, I thought you didn't really drink?"

"No, you assumed that I didn't really drink." Lexa smirked at Clarke who slightly blushed and began to prepare the ordered drink. She was glad that the brunette showed up, she liked her company. Lexa was calm and polite and even the silence with her was a comfortable one.

"How–" Clarke started but was interrupted.

"Yo Griff, gimme a drink! Hard stuff, anything! Don't care what!" Octavia shouted at Clarke when she entered the bar. She jumped onto the barstool next to Lexa and began rambling.

"You know that one guy at work? The one with the weird hair?" Clarke nodded. "Yeah that guy's an asshole, I'll tell ya that! Oh and Lincoln actually called again and asked me out. Ohhh and Bell and Echo had a fight but they're cute as fuck so they'll get over it super soon. Clarke, my drink. Where is it?"

"O, relax. Here." Clarke said and handed the glass to her friend.

"Ohhh no you're having a shot with me first. Anything. That Tequila bottle actually just winked at me!" Clarke sighed and poured two tequila shots for Octavia and herself before downing it, and then shot a small apologetic look to Lexa who, in return, just smirked.

"Clarke, another one. Soooo Lincoln, he– ohhhh my God how was your date?!" Octavia suddenly asked.

"It– um. It wasn't really a... I mean we just had a coffee and we... it was nice?" It was more a question than an answer and Octavia narrowed her eyes. Lexa looked down and then turned her face away to hide her laugh, which Clarke absolutely noticed.

"Clarke, more details! What does he do, what's he like, job, age, name, and oh did you kiss? Is he a good kisser? Did you enjoy it? C'monnn tell me everything!"

Lexa looked back at Clarke and raised an eyebrow.

"He... well, she, I mean– yeah."

"Yeah what, Clarke? Job, age, kiss?" Octavia grew impatient.

"I don't know actually."

"What you mean you don't know? Weren't you there during the date?"

"It wasn't a– look, can we talk about this tomorrow? Please?" Clarke begged, feeling more than uncomfortable about the situation. Octavia shot Clarke a glare and opened her mouth to start a long speech of protest–

"Well Clarke's a good kisser actually, and I think she enjoyed it, if that answers your question." Lexa said calmly, clearly enjoying the shocked faces that stared at her.

"Well, I didn't see _that_ coming." Octavia confessed after she realized what was happening and mouthed a _Oh my God she's hot!_ at Clarke. "Well I actually, have to, like, do something. You know that thing that I uh, you know Clarke. See ya later. Nice to meet you uh... what was your name?"

"Lexa"

"Nice to meet you, Lexa." Octavia said, gave Clarke another _look_ and left the bar.

"So it took you a date and a kiss and the whole story of my life to tell me your name and you answer O, just like that?" Clarke laughed.

"Would you prefer to just have gotten my name, without the date and the kiss?" Lexa smirked back.

That got Clarke. She didn't know how to answer, at least she didn't trust her brain and words. Of course she enjoyed the date and especially the kiss, and it was all worth it, she wouldn't want to miss any of this but she was way too shy to admit that. If she was being honest, she wanted the kiss to happen again, she wanted to feel Lexa's lips on hers again, she wanted to hold her close and she had the feeling that Lexa was thinking similarly but Clarke couldn't make the first move, especially not after she freaked out the other day.

"Hot blonde bartender, would you mind helping us out with your service?" a man shouted at Clarke from the other end of the bar. He was clearly drunk and his request definitely left some space for interpretation. Clarke decided to play it cool and just prepared him and his friends another round of shots and beers. Lexa had assured her that she didn't want to distract Clarke from her work since she saw how busy the night actually was getting.

Her shift ended and when Clarke made her way to the bathroom, she suddenly felt a hand on her wrist and before she knew what was happening, she felt a body pressed into her back, pushing her against the wall. She shivered when she felt Lexa's breath on her neck and their cheeks slightly touching.

Lexa's left hand was holding Clarke's against the wall and her right hand was on Clarke's hip. Clarke closed her eyes, trying to steady her breathing but it didn't happen.

"Come with me." Lexa breathed into Clarke's ear.


	8. Chapter 8

**Note:** _I won't be online until Monday I think, but don't leave me – new chapters are already finished and I'll post them as soon as I get home! :)_

* * *

Clarke breathed in deeply, turning around to face the brunette. "Lexa, I... Look, I know nothing about you. I mean– what's your age? What's your job? Do you have a boyfriend or something, are you in a relationship? Hell, do you even live in this city?"

"What about we just find a quiet spot, sit down and talk?" Lexa offered which calmed Clarke a bit. She wanted nothing more than to continue what Lexa started several moments ago and it took all the self control that Clarke could bring up, but first, she  
had to know who the brunette was.

When they left the bar, Lexa stopped at the counter, ordered two bottles of some particular wine that Clarke knew was rather expensive but she pretended to not pay attention to the scene and Lexa didn't seem to have noticed Clarke secretly looking at  
her either, which meant that she wasn't trying to impress the blonde.

They walked in silence, until they found a bench to sit down. Clarke lit her cigarette and offered Lexa one, too, before the two women took a long sip of their wine, not really knowing how to start the conversation.

"I'm 27," Lexa started slowly, "I don't have a boyfriend, and yes, I live in New York. I don't have any siblings, I'm a tour manager for several rock and metal bands, I play some instruments myself. When I was younger, I actually wanted to be a doctor  
or a teacher but I dropped out of High School when I was 15."

Clarke remained silent for a moment, not sure whether Lexa would continue. She waited a bit more but when Lexa just took another drag from her cigarette, Clarke spoke.

"What about your family? Do they live in New York, too? Did you grow up here?"

Lexa, who was still looking at her, blinked, held her breath for a moment but remained absolutely calm, then turned and looked at nothing particular in front of her. Clarke immediately knew it was a mistake but before she could ramble out apologies, Lexa  
answered.

"I don't know actually. My mom left dad and me when I was four and he started drinking, until he died a few years later. I grew up here and there. I moved to New York after I left school and moved into a house in Brooklyn with other teenagers who didn't  
really have a perspective or any hope or plans for their future. When I was 17, I moved out and found a small apartment. I was lucky and somehow got into the whole bands and concerts thing and, well, now I'm here."

She looked back at the blonde and smiled, and Clarke didn't know whether it actually hurt Lexa to tell her story or if it was okay. She focused on her hands, trying to figure out what to say but all she could think about was how sorry she was and how  
she wanted to hug the brunette, for some reason she wanted Lexa to know that she was there for her.

"Thanks for telling me, Lexa." Clarke offered instead. Lexa nodded but said nothing. They sat there for several minutes until Clarke spoke up again.

"So you said you don't have a boyfriend, but what about a girlfriend?" She secretly cursed herself. She was actually afraid of the brunette's answer. But there was no going back now. It didn't get better at all when Lexa parted her lips but paused, she  
seemed to be unsure what to answer.

"I don't have a girlfriend, either."

Clarke felt her heart jump at that, but something about the way Lexa said it told her, that there was more to it than Lexa admitted. She didn't want to push her though, so she changed the topic and they talked about this and that, until Clarke couldn't  
keep her eyes open any longer.

"I'll walk you home." Lexa offered.

"You don't have to, it's really not around the corner and I'm sure you're tired as well and I don't know where you live and maybe that's a–"

"Clarke, I'll walk you home." Clarke smiled, she was actually thankful since she wasn't sure she'd make it, fearing she'd fall asleep before she reached her apartment. It was a 30 minutes walk and neither of them really said anything. Clarke didn't remember  
when exactly it happened, but at some point, she had reached for Lexa's hand and intertwined their fingers. The brunette's hand was incredibly soft and Clarke was already addicted to feeling and holding it.

"Good night, Lexa. And thanks for, you know... everything. Hey actually, wait a second." She pulled out a piece of paper and a pen and scribbled down her phone number. "Just in case. I mean, if you want, you can um, call me someday."

Lexa nodded and leaned forward to kiss Clarke's cheek but Clarke turned slightly so that their lips touched. They stood there for some long moments, eyes closed, not paying attention to anything else but their lips gently moving against each other, before  
Lexa slowly pulled away.

"Good night, Clarke."


	9. Chapter 9

_**Octavia (7:49am)** : Griff u owe me a story! xoxo_

 _ **Clarke (8:11am)** : Anything, if you bring the breakfast and coffee. x_

 _ **Octavia (8:12am)** : on my way! _

"Whaaat was happening yesterday?! You totally let me make a fool of myself in front of your _hot_ girlfriend! Ugh seriously Clarke, you could've said something! How long and what and why and– no, that's my coffee. Here, that's yours. And did you kiss or what? Tell me _everything_!" Octavia blabbered as she walked into Clarke's kitchen.

"She's not my–"

"Oh my God you like her!"

"Seriously O, I didn't even get to start the story." Octavia grinned but didn't say anything else, so Clarke told Octavia everything from the first cigarette to their latest kiss.

"Gaaayyy. No really Clarke, she sounds nice and all and looks super hot, obviously! But you gotta admit she's kinda creepy, too. Shows up, has you whipped after two minutes and doesn't tell you anything about–"

"She told me everything last night, O." Clarke interrupted her friend.

"Yeah but I mean not _everything_ everything, right? You said you think she didn't tell you everything about her relationship status."

"Maybe she's just hurt from a breakup and still kinda loves her ex?" Clarke offered, more for herself than for Octavia.

"Yeah and maybe she's not as single as you think."

"She wouldn't lie to me, O."

"Oh and you know that after... how long have you two known each other? Four days?"

Clarke didn't know how to respond. She believed Lexa, she trusted her. But maybe Octavia was right and Lexa indeed seemed like she was hiding something from her. At least for a short moment last night, she had the same thought as Octavia but shook it off because she really wanted Lexa to tell her the truth and, well, be single. She sighed.

"Look Griff, just get to know her better. Oh and don't sleep with her until you've seen her apartment! Just an advice." Octavia grinned at the thought of what she was referring to. Clarke narrowed her eyes and was about to snap something back, when she felt her phone vibrate.

 _ **Lexa (9:02am)** : Hello stranger. Figured it would be fair if you had my number, too. Fancy a coffee later? Or a glass of wine, since you don't work tonight as you said? Lexa._

Clarke smiled at the message, long enough for Octavia to get curious, so she stole Clarke's phone.

"Octavia, give it back! God, Octavia! I swear if you– what are you doing? **_O!_** "

 _ **Clarke (9:06am)** : Wine sounds good! 8:30pm my place?_

"Ugh really? I don't know if that's a good idea, I mean you said yourself that getting to know her and seeing her apartment before sleeping with her would be–"

"Clarke!"

"What!"

" _Before sleeping with her_? Are you at that point already?"

"Huh I never said–" Clarke looked at Octavia and realized what she had said several seconds ago, "Oh shit."

* * *

 _ **Clarke (7:37pm)** : O, I'm screwed. I don't know what to wear! Help me! X_

 _ **Clarke (7:39pm)** : Octavia! Answer! _

_**Clarke (7:44pm)** :FIRE! DEATH! SPIDER! _

_**Octavia (7:52pm)** : whoops sry c, lincoln's here and... u know ;) just go naked, I mean ur soulmate would like that better anyway, right? haha xoxo_

 _ **Clarke (7:54pm)** : Not helping, O. _

_**Octavia (7:56pm)** : k send me a pic of ur current outfit._

Clarke sighed. She was wearing white skinny jeans and a light blue top.

 _ **Octavia (8:01pm)** : u know what girl? u actually look hot, I wouldn't change at all. lincoln says the same. u know how much I love that sporty look on u, u look amazing. good luck and have fun :P xoxo _

Clarke was still unsure but trusted Octavia's judgement. She went to the bathroom, applied some light make up and decided to wear her hair open. She chose a playlist of acoustic songs and lit some candles. _Shit_ , she mumbled when she realized it was way too much romance but just as she was about to blow out the candles again, she heard a soft knock at her door. _Double shit!_ she cursed again and could at least switch the lights back on on her way to the door. When she opened it, she instantly forgot how to breathe. The brunette in front her wore black skinny jeans, black boots that were actually quite elegant, a tight black t–shirt, her hair was open, loosely hanging over her right shoulder and her green eyes... God, that dark smokey–eye make up got Clarke to search for something to hold onto, just in case her legs would fail her.

"Uh.. you wanna come? I mean– shit. Come in? I mean... Hey!" Clarke's face was now a deep shade of red. Two seconds into the evening and she had already embarrassed herself. Lexa raised an eyebrow and smirked, "Hey". She walked past the blonde, while Clarke closed her eyes and breathed out slowly after Lexa's scent reached her. It was intoxicating.

Lexa stood in the open kitchen that was connected to the living room, looking around.

"You want a sight seeing tour or something? There's not much to see really but–"

"I'd love that."

"Okay well, this" Clarke opened the first door, "is my... I don't even know what it's called. My hobby room or something." Lexa nodded and looked at the paintings and drawings on the walls and the guitar that leaned against a desk.

"Those paintings are incredible, Clarke."

"Thanks", the blonde replied but felt slightly uncomfortable. She knew that Lexa hadn't said it because it would be polite, but because she really thought they were incredible. Clarke knew that Lexa wasn't one to say things to please people.

"Okay um, this is the bathroom and this is my bedroom." Clarke blushed a little but was sure Lexa didn't notice. She went back to the kitchen area, grabbed two glasses and opened the wine bottle.

"And this?" Clarke stopped in her motions. She didn't need to turn around to know what Lexa meant. "This is just a spare room." She offered but her voice cracked.

"Are you okay?" Lexa sounded slightly worried and Clarke nodded, but didn't say anything, not trusting her voice.

"Yeah, I... it's nothing. Finn will move in there soon, so...", she said quickly, trying to not let the tears come up and held up the bottle. "Would you like a glass?"

The brunette nodded and made her way to Clarke who was now pouring wine, when she realized the blonde was shaking. She laid her hand on the blonde's to stop her, took the bottle and put it back on the counter. Clarke looked at her, blinked once, which released a tear that she had been trying to hold.

When she felt Lexa pull her into her arms, holding her tightly but gently, Clarke let go...


	10. Chapter 10

She didn't know how long she had been crying, she couldn't remember Lexa leading her to the couch, she couldn't remember curling herself into Lexa's side, but the brunette had been holding her the entire time. After a few last sobs, Clarke wiped the tears away, sat herself up and looked at Lexa.

"I'm sorry, I–"

"It's okay."

"No, I didn't mean for the evening to go like this and I–"

"Clarke." The brunette gently tucked a loose strand behind Clarke's ear, "it's okay."

"I used to live together with my best friend." Clarke started but paused. She knew that maybe she shouldn't tell Lexa, she didn't want the brunette to pity her. But when she looked in her eyes, she knew that that's not what Lexa would do. She would just sit there and listen to Clarke. So she continued.

"Her name's Raven. We've been best friends since High School, she's a jerk actually but I would do anything for her." She paused for a moment, taking a sip, not remembering either how the wine glasses had made their way to the coffee table.

"We did everything together. We... I don't know, we loved roadtrips... yeah, that was really our thing. She's a mechanic and we had a super old car which Raven always claimed she could fix, so we kept it. Then I got a boyfriend and she met someone shortly after, too. They were so in love, it was gross." Clarke laughed. "Well, you know what I mean. Such a happy couple. They fought a lot though and broke up later which killed Raven, kind of. She was absolutely broken and Octavia, the one from the bar, you know, and I had a hard time putting the pieces back together.

Anyway, one day Raven and I were drinking heavily. I didn't want to at first but she made me, claiming since we're both single again, we would have to get hammered, so I agreed. On our way back home, we heard car brakes, the sound of glass cracking and something else. We turned around and saw Raven's boyfriend lying in front of a car. I ran or rather stumbled up to him, he was unconscious but alive. I..." Clarke stopped, feeling the tears come back. "I was trying to save him, I really was. Someone called an ambulance but by the time they arrived, it was too late." She didn't even try to stop the tears from falling anymore. Clarke got up, stepped out onto her balcony and lit a cigarette. Lexa appeared next to her, her hand on Clarke's back, slowly rubbing circles which calmed Clarke more than Lexa knew.

"They found a letter in his jacket that he wanted to give her that night, which said how sorry he was and that he wanted her back and that he'd do everything for her. After that night, Raven didn't really speak to me anymore. She didn't speak at all actually. From time to time, she shouted at me and said it was my fault, I could've saved him if I hadn't been so drunk but instead I let him die, but that was everything she ever said to me. Two months ago, she packed a bag and left. I don't know where she is, I don't know if she's okay, and I... fuck."

Clarke sighed, letting her tears fall freely, not caring at all. Lexa still hadn't said a thing, she was just there and Clarke was thankful for that. She was wondering how she deserved someone like Lexa to be there with her and for her, such a beautiful person, with such a beautiful soul. So polite and caring and loving and always doing and saying the right things, never pushing her though.

She turned a bit to face the brunette and cracked a smile, before she leaned in so that their foreheads slightly touched. She wanted to close the gap but couldn't bring up any more courage, today she had already been braver than she thought she could be, so she just stayed like this, Lexa's hand still on her back, when she felt soft lips on her own.

Clarke moved her arms behind the back of the brunette's neck, gently pulling her closer. Lexa's hands rested on Clarke's hips, simply holding her. Before Clarke knew what she was doing, she broke the kiss, took Lexa's hand and pulled her back inside and towards the couch.

"Clarke..."

"Shut up and kiss me." Clarke half–breathed, pushing Lexa onto the couch and straddling her, slowly developing a steady movement against the body beneath her. Lexa pulled away, and Clarke melted into dark green eyes looking deeply into her own, while the brunette slowly pushed Clarke's top up and over her head. Lexa leaned in to leave light kisses on the blonde's chest while Clarke cupped the woman's cheek, lowering her head to kiss the brunette's head and inhale her scent.

Clarke loved every kiss and touch but knew she needed more, she needed them to be closer. She got up and removed her pants, still looking at the brunette, and straddled her again. They paused for a second, not moving at all, until Clarke took Lexa's hand, laid it gently on her own stomach and slowly led it downwards.

It amazed Clarke how quiet she was, usually she was the audible type of person but with Lexa, the intimacy was too overwhelming for Clarke to actually make any kind of sound. Feeling Lexa's fingers at her entrance, Clarke looked at the brunette, reassuring that it was okay and that they both wanted it. Then she closed her eyes and pushed her body down.


	11. Chapter 11

**Note:** _Thanks so, so much_ _ **Fumbling Towards Ecstasy**_ _for all the reviews!_

 _Some Raven–related stuff will be mentioned soon :) [in about 2–3 chapters]._

* * *

"What do you mean you slept with her?! … _Clarke!_ " Octavia was shocked but excited at the same time. She knew Clarke wasn't one for a one night stand or to jump right into something and yet she'd had sex with Lexa after just one week.

"It just– I don't know. I kind of... needed her, I mean I told her about Raven and then I–"

" _ **What?**_ You told her about _Raven_? And what do you mean you needed her? Was she just there and you needed _someone_ or did you actually need _Lexa_?" Octavia didn't know what to think of this situation, at all.

"No, I needed Lexa. I... shit I don't know, it just... happened."

"And you haven't heard from her since then?"

"She said she'd be there for me but I said I needed time to figure out what's happening and... well yeah I haven't called or texted her yet."

"Jesus, Clarke... you can't just have sex with a person, especially not with someone like Lexa, who I think by the way is super special and I haven't even _really_ met her, and then not call her!"

Clarke knew Octavia was right. They were having lunch and Clarke had accidentally mentioned her night with Lexa a few days ago.

She was on her way back home later, when she stopped and pulled out her phone. She typed in a message but hesitated for a moment before she hit _send_.

 _ **Clarke (6:33pm)** : Can we talk? Preferably somewhere private? Your place maybe? x_

She pocketed her phone, went home and took a long shower. She was confused. She fell for Lexa, she told her about Raven, she let her touch her and... well, she missed her. Clarke took her guitar and strummed some chords and without realizing, she played the song that she had played a few days ago.

" _I should've called you on the phone_

 _But I was scared to let you know,_

 _I need you, by my side..."_

 _ **Lexa (8:59pm)** : Of course. I'm on my way home, I could pick you up in 20 minutes. _

* * *

Lexa opened the door to her loft and motioned for Clarke to step in first. Clarke couldn't help but love all the little things the brunette did that made her feel appreciated, special and wanted. Lexa treated her like no one had treated her before, she was polite, caring and kind of old fashioned, holding doors for Clarke and everything. The blonde loved it.

The loft's design was elegant but simple. There was a bookshelf separating the living room area and the kitchen from what seemed to be Lexa's work space. Several instruments, amps and recording equipment surrounded a desk that had a lot of folders and sheets of paper on it, a somewhat organized chaos. The stairs on the right side led to an open second floor which appeared to only have a bed and an armchair on it, plus a door that the blonde assumed was a bathroom. Clarke didn't know why she was surprised, she didn't know what she had expected, but actually that whole place was so _lexa._

"Would you like a coffee?" Lexa asked from the kitchen area.

"Got something stronger?" Lexa smirked and nodded, pointing towards a shelf next to Clarke that held at least 20 different bottles of alcohol. Clarke went for whiskey and poured one for Lexa as well.

"Lexa, I'm sorry about that night. I shouldn't have... done what I did, it wasn't fair to you, I think, and maybe it wasn't fair to me either. I don't know if we should talk about it, I've never had a one night stand before."

Lexa remained silent for a moment. "Was it a one night stand for you?" she finally asked.

"I... no." Clarke slowly shook her had, looking down at her hands, afraid to see the brunette's reaction.

"It wasn't one for me, either, you know."

"Then what does it mean for... us?" Clarke asked, her hands trying to express what she meant by gesturing between the two of them.

"We could have a second date? There are still things you should know about me and I'm sure I don't know everything about you already, either." Lexa offered, smiling at Clarke, who returned the smile and nodded.

"Sounds good. Oh shit, it's 11 already, I should go and let you sleep. Is there a subway station nearby?" Clarke had never really been to this part of Manhattan, it was a wealthy one and she didn't really know where she was, at all.

"You can stay here if you want, I'll sleep on the couch, you can have the bed." Lexa offered and secretly Clarke was thankful; she realized she was too tired and would probably fall asleep on the subway.

"Thanks but you don't have to stay on the couch, as far as I can tell your bed is big enough for two."

* * *

Lexa had given Clarke some clothes and a tooth brush and let her shower and get ready for bed, first.

Clarke turned off the water and stepped out the shower, only to realize that she had forgotten the clothes outside. She hesitated for a moment, since she had only a towel wrapped around her but figured that it was okay, since Lexa had seen her much more vulnerable and naked than that. She opened the door, her eyes landing on Lexa's back. The brunette, standing on the other side of the room changing for the night, quickly pulled her shirt down but not fast enough and Clarke saw the scars.


	12. Chapter 12

"Lexa..."

"I was about to get some water, do you want some, too?"

"Lexa, I..." Clarke started again, but she didn't know what to say. Her heart ached at the sight of the brunette's back. Lexa went downstairs, grabbed a water bottle and two glasses and came back while Clarke didn't move, still standing in the door frame, still wearing only a towel.

"Don't look at me like that, Clarke. Here" she handed Clarke the clothes.

Lexa slid under the blanket and switched off the lights. They hadn't said anything and Lexa felt sorry because she knew that Clarke worried now. She knew that the blonde had seen some bruises before but that was okay, they weren't bad, they could've been from a simple drunken fight. The rest of her body told a different story though.

She felt Clarke move closer behind her and wrap an arm around her. The brunette slightly shivered when she felt Clarke's breath on her neck, but relaxed a little and fell asleep.

* * *

"I tried to make breakfast but I burned the eggs and um, about the bacon, well... But I made coffee." A fully dressed Clarke said as she heard Lexa padding down the stairs. Lexa smirked and gratefully took the cup.

"You're up early. Did you sleep well?"

"Oh my God, your bed is so comfortable. I swear I'll steal it!"

"Good luck with that!" Lexa laughed. It was the first time Clarke really heard her laugh and her heart skipped a beat. The brunette sighed and got up, gently putting her hands on Clarke's hips, pushing her back onto one of the barstools and started making breakfast, since Clarke had miserably failed at that earlier.

"Lexa, can we..." Clarke started but paused.

"Hm?"

"Can we talk about... yesterday?" Lexa stiffened but didn't turn around. Clarke felt sorry but she was worried and she had to know.

"Clarke, this–"

"No wait, you know what, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked. Sorry. I– don't wanna know. You don't have to tell me. I... shit. I better go. Thanks for letting me stay here for the night and for the drinks and– see you later, I guess." Clarke panicked, knowing that she somehow had hurt Lexa but didn't know what to do, so she figured leaving would be the best idea.

"Clarke–" Lexa tried again but Clarke was already gone.

* * *

 _Shit, shit, shit._ Clarke kept cursing herself. She fucked up. Again. She had left Lexa, again, without giving her the opportunity to reply anything. _What the actual fuck is wrong with me!_

She knew she had to know and she knew that Lexa would've told her. And if she was right about... whatever it was that was going on between them, she would've seen it sooner or later anyway.

It was one of her two gallery days, but she couldn't concentrate on her work, at all. Her mind kept wandering back to Lexa and how she had left her this morning. Clarke grew more and more impatient, more and more desperate and her anger towards herself was getting to a very unhealthy level.

She knew Lexa was home today and decided to stop by after work to sort things out.

* * *

Clarke hesitated for a few seconds, then knocked at Lexa's door. A few moments later, the woman opened and was rather surprised seeing the blonde in front of her.

"Clarke, I... you could've send me a text before showing up." Lexa stated, being polite as always but Clarke had a weird feeling.

"Sorry, I didn't realize you'd be busy. We–" there was a noise somewhere behind Lexa. "You're not alone, right?"

Lexa paused for a moment, "No, I'm not." Clarke nodded and was about to turn around and leave. "Come in though."

Clarke pinched her brows together in confusion but went past the brunette and stepped into the loft, preparing for the worst, when she saw two boys jumping around. At that sight, she sighed slightly, clearly relieved that Lexa had no... well, female company, especially not her age.

"Clarke, this is Aden. A friend's son. He visits me from time to time and this is Toby, his friend. They go to school together and I picked them up, I promised I'd help them with their homework." Clarke smiled. She knew Lexa had a soft spot for children; she'd seen her with a little girl at their first date. The girl had seemed to be lost in the café, so Lexa, softly speaking to her, had calmed her until the girl's mom had showed up. It really had touched Clarke's heart.

"I think the cookies are ready! Who wants one?" Lexa exclaimed and the two boys excitedly threw their hands in the air. The brunette laughed and made her way to the kitchen to get the cookies while Clarke followed her.

"They seem really cool. And those cookies look absolutely delicious!" Clarke said.

"Well I hope they taste as delicious as they look!" Lexa replied, smirking at Clarke. Their eyes met and for a long moment, there was nothing else but them, they were lost in each other's gaze. Lexa was the first to look away, starting to place the cookies on a plate, while the only thing that Clarke could think about was how perfect Lexa was in this moment.

She caught herself picturing them goofing around while cooking dinner and wondered what it would be like to have a routine or maybe even a life together with the brunette. Lexa's laugh brought her back to reality, but still, the whole situation felt so... normal. She admired everything about the brunette – the way she blew a strand out of her face or even the way she carefully placed the cookies on that plate. Everything seemed right.

" _Mom, where are the cookies?"_

Clarke's head shot up at that comment, instantly facing the brunette. Lexa didn't move, she just stared at the plate before here. A long moment passed, until she finally replied, "They're not gonna walk on their own, you gotta come and get 'em!"

Aden and Toby ran up to them, grabbed a few cookies and disappeared somewhere behind the huge shelf that separated the areas.

"Lexa–"

"I'm sorry. I wanted to tell you."

"It's okay, you know. You said there were things you still needed to tell me. I'm just... God, Lexa, you have a son? How old is he?"

"Eight. It's complicated, Clarke."

"How..."

Lexa looked up, making sure that the boys weren't around but she nonetheless lowered her voice when she continued.

"I was young, and... his father, he– shit."

Clarke had never heard Lexa curse before, and she could feel that something was wrong. When she looked at the brunette who was trying to not let the tears slip that were slowly coming up, Clarke felt a sting in her heart.

"Are you with him still? Are you in a relationship? … Fuck Lexa, are you married?" She almost whispered.

"No, I'm not, Clarke. Aden's dad and I were never really... a thing. He just... we have a complicated past and he– well when we..." Lexa stopped, wiping a tear away.

"The scars..." Clarke tried to put the pieces together, in an attempt to understand – hoping she was right, yet hoping she was more than wrong about her theory.


	13. Chapter 13

"No honey look, multiplication comes before addition and subtraction, try those three again." Lexa said, rumpled Aden's hair and got up. She went to the kitchen counter and looked over her shoulder, holding up the coffee pot. "Clarke?" The blonde nodded.

It had taken her a rather long while to process the new information of Aden and who he actually was but when she realized that this was what Lexa had seemed to be hiding, Clarke let out a relieved sigh.

After Toby was picked up by his dad, it was only the three of them. Clarke went through some paper work about the exhibition and Aden continued his homework, with Lexa occasionally helping him.

"I think I'm gonna go now and leave you guys alone." Clarke said and gave Lexa a smile, "What about w–" she continued, only to be interrupted by Aden. "Mom said we'll order pizza later, maybe you can stay? I mean only if you like pizza too. But everyone likes pizza though! And you promised to look at my art homework too. Please?", he rambled, slightly blushing because he just couldn't hold back his excitement. Aden trying to control his feelings and appearance reminded Clarke so much of Lexa again.

"Umm. I don't know if your mom–"

"She'd like that." Lexa said and winked at the blonde, who bit her lower lip and nodded.

* * *

Aden was barely able to keep his eyes open, so Lexa got up from the couch and put out her hand for him to take. "Come on buddy, bed time" she said, "I'm just gonna tuck him in, I'll be right back. Feel free to open that wine." she continued, earning a warm smile from Clarke and disappeared with Aden, into a room which Clarke hadn't even noticed the first time she had been there.

She couldn't help but think how much of his mom she could see in Aden. His eyes were just as deep and expressive, his laugh definitely made her smile, too. Also, he was just as polite and humble as the brunette. And very, very beautiful.

"He's such a great boy, Lexa." Clarke stated when Lexa let herself fall onto the couch next to the blonde.

"Yeah, he's amazing. It's disgusting how much I love him." The brunette laughed.

"I love the look in your eyes that you get for him." Clarke said, a little more serious, still wearing a warm smile though. Their gazes met and it only took a short moment for the two women to get lost in each other's eyes. Clarke only realized how close their faces were, when she felt her phone vibrate.

 _ **Octavia (9:29pm)** : griff! lunch 2morrow sandwich bar? hope u could discuss some things w/lexa. love ya girl! nighty night xoxo_

 _ **Clarke (9:30pm)** : Yeah, all good. Lunch at 2? Night xx_

Clarke took a last sip from her wine and got up. "Thanks for... inviting me in earlier. Really. I know my timing was super bad and I'm sure you had a better way in mind to introduce us." Clarke started to ramble. "I hope I didn't bother you too much, he–"

"He loves you, Clarke," Lexa smiled, "and don't worry. Your timing was perfect. Thanks for staying for dinner." The blonde nodded and lowered her head a bit, not sure what to reply.

"I'll... see you I guess." She offered, rather awkwardly, not being sure at all whether she should kiss or simply hug the brunette. Lexa seemed to notice Clarke's uncertainty and gently pulled the blonde into a kiss, which lasted much longer than a good night kiss should have. It was full of emotions, and expressed _reassurance_ , _security_ , _thankfulness_ , and … something that Clarke defined as _devotion._

* * *

Clarke had taken a cab back home. Her mind kept wandering back to the kiss and she couldn't help but smile. Everything felt right. Although she had learned that Lexa was actually a _mom_ of an eight year old boy, it didn't really shock Clarke now. She had assumed that Lexa was just single, but seeing her with Aden made sense. The way she looked at him and lovingly rumbled his hair, and the way he randomly came up to her to hug her or give her a kiss, how she was standing in the kitchen with freshly baked cookies, and even how she had helped him with his homework. Yeah, it made sense. It was perfect.

She noticed how tired and exhausted she was, when she slowly walked up the stairs to her apartment. _Shit_ she thought when she couldn't find her keys and realized she probably had somehow forgotten them at Lexa's.

"Don't worry, I got the keys."

Clarke froze and closed her eyes.

"Raven..."


	14. Chapter 14

_Clarke froze and closed her eyes._

" _Raven..."_

* * *

"Clarke–"

" _What the fuck,_ Reyes?!" Clarke hissed, cold eyes lying on Raven, who slowly approached the blonde.

"Please, can you... can we go inside and talk? Please?"

Clarke hesitated for a moment, but when she looked closer and saw the desperation and regret in Raven's eyes, her facial features softened. She nodded, and motioned for her best friend to open the door. Raven reluctantly followed the gesture, her muscles stiffened but she slightly relaxed when she felt Clarke's hand on her back, gently pushing the girl over the door step, reassuring it was okay.

* * *

Raven was sitting on a chair in the kitchen, still avoiding to look at the blonde who handed her a cup of tea and sat down on the other side of the table.

"Why are you back?" Clarke asked after a moment and the other girl took a sip but didn't respond.

Clarke sighed. "Raven, look at me... I'm not mad, I hope you know that. I just don't know what to say or do or even think."

The girls fell silent after that, sipping their tea, until Clarke sighed and got up. "I'm gonna go to bed. You can stay here for the night, if you want. Don't be irritated though, we... well your stuff's in boxes, they're in the basement." At that, Raven looked up, brows slightly furrowed.

"I didn't think I'd see you again." Clarke offered and Raven nodded, getting up as well.

"Sorry I didn't explain myself today Clarke, I guess I... need a little more time? I thought I could do it but I can't."

"Whenever you're ready, Rae." With that, Clarke hugged her best friend, kissed her on the cheek and disappeared into her bedroom.

 _ **Clarke (11:42pm)** : Hey O, lunch tomorrow at my place instead? _

_**Octavia (11:43pm)** : am I gonna meet lexa (again)? :P xoxo_

 _ **Clarke (11:47pm)** : Something like that. Good night! _

_**Clarke (11:58pm)** : Made it home alive. Thanks again for the great evening. Wish you were here... x_

 _ **Lexa (11:59pm)** : Me too. Sleep well._

* * *

Clarke woke up to the sound of clanking dishes. She checked her phone, 5:49am, and shook her head. Raven and her unholy wake up times... _Raven!_ Clarke jumped out of her bed and almost ran out of her room.

"Coffee?" Raven asked, shyly smiling at Clarke, putting a cup on the kitchen table, suggesting for Clarke to sit down with her.

"It's not even 6, Rae, why the hell are you up already?"

Raven shrugged, "I'm not up _already_. Clarke I'm sorry. I neither wanna talk about what happened back then nor what happened the past two months now but I want you to know I'm sorry and I'm not mad either... anymore. I know it wasn't your fault. I... I'm sorry I ran away just like that. Thanks for, you know, letting me stay here for the night, I actually have a flat viewing later today, it's kinda on the other side of the city so you won't have to see me if you, you know... I mean so that we don't–"

"Raven?... Shut up. You can stay here as long as you want. Finn asked me for your room but I'm sure he'll understand."

The girls smiled at each other, had breakfast and then unpacked some of Raven's stuff.

* * *

"Griff! Why the fuck ain't lunch ready?! I can't smell food! Ughhhh Clarke! Whatever though–" Octavia shouted as she entered the apartment. Since she had a key, she never even bothered to wait for Clarke to open the door.

"That hair guy from work asked me out, what the fuck is he thinking?! Clarrrkee? Jesus. Oh and Lincoln and I– what the fuck." She had made her way to the kitchen and started pouring herself a soda, when she turned around and saw Raven sitting on the couch.

"Hey, O."

"What the **_fuck_** are you doing here?! Does Clarke know?"

"I do know, yes." Clarke appeared from the bathroom. "She... surprised me yesterday night when I got home from Lexa's and we actually um, unpacked two of her boxes today."

"You gotta be kidding me!"

" _Who's Lexa?"_

"No, we're not kidding you. Of course Raven can stay here, it's her apartment too, after all."

"Yeah but Clarke, look..."

" _Who's Lexa?"_

"... she left you, well us really, and we both know how fucked up everything was, especially you. And now you let her in without a second thought?" 

" _ **Guys! Who the fuck is Lexa?!"**_

"No offense Raven but you left without a word after saying that Clarke killed your boyfriend, I'm pretty sure you lost your _best friend privileges_ of knowing who and what's important in Clarke's life right now." Octavia now almost shouted, obviously having a hard time holding back her anger.

"O, calm down. She needs time. We all need time. And um, Lexa is someone I–"

"Clarke's girlfriend."

"–met about a–"

"She's Clarke's super hot girlfriend!"

"–week ago. And she's not my–"

"They're totally dating!"

"We're not dating, O!"

Raven was already relaxing, an amused look on her face while Clarke and Octavia tried to explain who Lexa actually was.

"Well if you're not dating, then whyyy did you sl–"

"We aren't–"

"Wait, you already _slept_ with that Lexa girl?! After only a _week_? When did you started dating? Yesterday?!" A grinning Raven interfered.

"We are **– _not_** _–_ dating!"

"Oh wait. Ohhhh _shit_! She's not single, is she? Clarke you said you'd tell me if she's got a girlfriend! She told you last night, right? Ohhhh that bitch! I'm gonna–"

"O shut up."

"–beat her up and then I'll–"

"She has no girlfriend."

"–kill her and then I'll–"

"O, she doesn't have girlfriend!"

"–rip her hea– she doesn't?"

"Nope."

"I thought Clarke's her girlfriend?" Raven was now trying to hold back a laughter.

"Why aren't you two dating then if she's single and ready for you, Clarke?!"

"It's complicated, actually."

"Oh my God she's married. Jesus, _Clarke_! What are you doing?"

"God, O, she's _not_ married! She has a son."

"Phewww good! Okay so she's not married and single, then you can– wait what the fuck?"

"He's eight."

"Tequila. Now!" Octavia demanded and slowly sat down, jaw still dropped, still looking at Clarke, while Raven was still trying not to laugh but failed miserably. They wouldn't admit it but the three of them found themselves secretly smiling about how normal the situation was and how much they had missed it.


	15. Chapter 15

**Note:** _Got a review saying Raven's some selfish bitch and Clarke was way too nice. Yep, that's kinda their friendship and they know it. I think Octavia did a good job though showing Raven that she fucked up big time when she left, but for the moment, Clarke is just glad that she has her best friend back. It's not an easy situation after all. I mean, wait for it... ;) x_

* * *

Raven had promised go to the bar with Clarke. They had asked Octavia as well but the girl had declined, stating the best friends should go out alone, as going out alone as they could in a bar in which one of them had to work, so nothing of _going out alone_ really fitted the situation anyway.

They both threw their shot glasses back down on the counter, and Raven grabbed her third beer while Clarke chose water since she had to work for several more hours, yet had already downed her fourth shot in 30 minutes.

She felt her phone vibrate just as she stepped outside to have a smoke.

 _ **Lexa (9:28pm)** : Hey stranger, fancy a movie tonight? And maybe a bottle of wine? Or two?_

Clarke smiled and typed a reply.

 _ **Clarke (9:30pm)** : I'd love that but I'm working :( But if you happen to be super bored, you can stop by at the bar. There's actually someone I'd like you to meet. xx_

Twenty minutes later, Raven was getting kind of drunk and Clarke was standing next to her best friend, keeping her from falling from the barstool. She was just about to lose her patience with Raven, when she felt two arms sliding around her from behind. She turned around, hugged the beautiful brunette and whispered a soft _Hi_ in Lexa's ear. When she pulled away, Raven was standing next to them, grinning and waiting for Clarke to introduce them.

"Sorry. This is–"

"Lexa!" Raven finished her sentence and Lexa raised an eyebrow but offered a handshake, "and this", Clarke continued, "is my best friend, Raven." Raven accepted the handshake, still grinning but slightly blushing when she saw something in Clarke's eyes. She seemed to be worried about Lexa's reaction, Lexa though was simply smiling though and absolutely polite. That's when Raven realized Clarke had told the brunette everything.

"Nice to meet you, Raven."

"Yeah um... do you drink? Please tell me you drink because this lady here," Raven threw an arm around Clarke's shoulder, "left me alone after four shots and kept refusing to drink anything else ever since. Boringg! So now I need a new best friend to drink with me!"

Lexa laughed, "Well in that case, dear _Lady_ , could I get a beer?" Clarke, who had made her way behind the bar again, smirked at Lexa and slid a beer over to the brunette.

When Clarke's shift ended, she mixed herself a drink and joined the brunettes.

"Temme again why you'rre not com– completetty– fuck. not drunk?" Raven slurred, turning in a direction she hoped was Lexa's.

"Because my beer was non–alcoholic, Miss Reyes." The brunette laughed and Raven's eyes widened.

"You cheaaooh no Griffin, da's my beer! Gimme my– hey! ughh wha'eeer. You chea'ed on me Lex!"

"You'll get over it. Now get up, I'll drive you guys home."

* * *

Lexa had half carried Raven all the way up to the apartment and right into her bed.

"She asked for you", the brunette said and Clarke nodded.

"Sorry, I'll be right back. Thanks for carrying her all the way. Had no idea how strong you are!" the blonde smirked and winked, and a laughing Lexa shook her head.

"Hey Rae! Here, drink that water. All of it!" Clarke said while sitting down next to Raven, gently tickling the girl's back.

"Clarkypooo I love you so mushh! And Lexa's hot, why arennu dating again?" Raven slurred, her eyes already half closed.

"I love you too", Clarke paused and smiled "and yeah, she's absolutely stunning. Now sleep. I have to be at the gallery at 7:30 so maybe I'm already gone when you wake up." she said and got up.

She turned around at the door, "Need anything else?" but Raven was already asleep. Clarke smiled, switched off the lights and carefully closed the door.

Lexa was leaning against the balcony rail, arms half crossed, holding a cigarette in her hand and smiled when Clarke's eyes met hers.

"She's really nice."

"She's really drunk!" They laughed.

"I told her she could stay here as long as she wants but I don't know if she's really comfortable with the situation... yet. I don't know. It's just weird; she left just like that and was gone for more than two months and now that she's back, it's like she never went away. I don't know if I should be happy or angry that she's back. We haven't really talked, at all. Maybe she's not ready but she also hates emotional conversations. I just... I actually don't know what to say or do, Lexa." Clarke sighed and laid her head on the brunette's shoulder, who gently ran her fingers through the other girl's hair.

"That's okay, Clarke. You don't have to know what to say or do. You don't have to say or do anything at all. Yet. Give her time, take time yourself and when you both are ready, you'll talk. It'll happen eventually, don't worry about that just yet. Just be happy that your best friend returned, returned for you. That's all that counts right now, if you ask me." Lexa softly explained with a calm voice and it brought a small tear to Clarke's eye.

"Why are you so perfect...?" The blonde wondered aloud, not looking at Lexa, not noticing the brunette's brows furrowing, not noticing the woman's smile disappear, only feeling herself being pulled close and felt Lexa's lips on her forehead.

"Look who's talking, Clarke."

The blonde smiled at the comment, moved a little closer and snuggled her nose into the brunette's neck.


	16. Chapter 16

" _What if she says No?"_

" _Before you can worry about an answer, you actually need to ask a question, buddy. Don't worry, she won't say No._ "

" _Promise!"_

" _I promise. Now gimme a kiss! – Well thanks for drooling all over my face!"_

Clarke was smiling at the sight of Aden and Lexa discussing on her phone screen, they apparently hadn't realized that Clarke had already answered their Facetime call.

"Yeah, I won't say No. Whatever the question is!" she laughed.

" _Hey Clarke! Aden has a question."_

"Yeah, I figured. What's up boy?"

" _Mom and I, well... she um, we're going to the zoo in the afternoon and I asked whether you could come with us? And mom said I should ask you that myself, so... wanna go to the zoo with us?"_

Clarke's heart melted, that boy was just too adorable.

"Sure! I haven't visited on in ages! Would it be a problem if my brother Finn also came?"

Aden expressively shook his head and the two women laughed.

"Alright, see ya later then!" They hung up and Clarke typed in a message to her Finn. He wouldn't fully appreciate it, it was their sibs–day, but she was sure he'd understand and be cool about it. She opened their text conversation and realized that he could owe her one anyway.

 _ **Clarke (10:14am)** : Okay, I'll pick you up at 3pm but you have to play hero for one day. I promised a friend and her son to go to the zoo with them today and that you'll come with us. He's 8 and I'm sure you're already his idol. ;) Would you do that? Please? Xx _

_**Finn (10:16am)** : a 'friend' huh? ;))) sure thing tho!_

* * *

"You must be Aden! Can I get a high five?" Aden grinned and high fived Finn.

"Lexa, this is Finn. Finn – Lexa. Cool. Ready to go?"

The boys disappeared the second they entered the zoo, so the two women developed a slow pace, rather focused on talking than on their surroundings.

"Please tell me that Finn's a skater! Aden would love to learn but I'm the last person who could help him with that."

"It's your lucky day today! But are you sure you want your son to skate? I remember when Finn started, he had a broken bone every two weeks."

"Yeah Clarke, go and worry a mother! Great, thanks for that! But I'm sure it'll be–" Lexa paused as her phone went off. "Woods?" She mouthed a _Sorry_ to Clarke, who realized she hadn't even known Lexa's last name. For some reason, it was perfect, she thought. Maybe because of the shade of green that Lexa's eyes were, maybe because something about the brunette always reminded her of the calmness and relaxation that nature provided.

"No, Matt, I said I wanted a decision this morning. I said 8am. And you – no, not really. Listen, there's nothing I – No – Yeah I understand but there's nothing I can do now. It was his – Alright, calm down." her voice softened. "It was his last chance and you knew it, Matt." She sighed. "Then please call him yourself, because I won't talk to him, not a single word, I don't have to remind you of that. – Okay, then at least call another one of The Lost Boys. I'm actually busy right now, we'll speak later, okay? ... Matt?" She looked at her phone but _Matt_ had already hung up on her.

Clarke wondered who Matt was and whom they were talking about that Lexa wouldn't speak to, _not a single word_ , but she didn't ask, instead just raised an eyebrow to appear interested but not nosy.

"Work." Lexa offered and got going again. They spoke about this and that but nothing in particular, as they strolled through the zoo.

" _Mom!_ "

"Heyy, buddy! What's– _hmpf!_ " Aden came running up to the two women and bounced right into Lexa, hugging her tightly.

"Finn and I found the lions, they're over there! Come on, you gotta see them!" Aden stated excitedly, already pulling Lexa towards the lion cage.

* * *

Clarke had offered to give Lexa and Aden a ride, and they were currently stopping in front of Abby's house to drop Finn off.

"I don't wanna tell you what to do but I'm sure she's expecting you to at least say Hi or something." Finn got out of the car and bent down to look Clarke in the eyes. "Please, Clarke, she's your mom. Just for a minute."

Clarke grimaced and turned around to Lexa, who was sitting in the backseat with a sleeping Aden snuggled into her. "It's okay, Clarke, go. Take your time, we'll wait."

The siblings walked up to Abby who was already standing in the doorframe. As usual, Clarke backed away when her mom was about to give her a hug, and she knew that Lexa could witness the whole scene but she'd explain it another time.

"Hey honey, how are you?"

"Mom, I don't have time really, I have friends waiting in the car."

"They can come in if they want, dinner's ready and I'm sure it's enough for all of us."

"Okay, but not all of _us_ are staying. I'll call you someday." Clarke promised, although everyone knew that that wasn't going to happen. "See ya kiddo!", she quickly hugged her brother and went back to the car, her pace fast enough to show her mother that she wanted to leave but slow enough for Lexa to not get suspicious. At least not more than she already was.

She got in the car, fastened her seatbelt and rolled down the window to wave her family goodbye.

"Bye Clarke! And thanks again! Oh and Lexa, tell Aden I'd love to teach him some skateboard tricks!" Finn grinned. Clarke nodded and started the engine.

"Honey, call us when you know whether you can make it on Christmas! And tell Atom I said Hi!" Abby shouted, waving and smiling until the car turned and disappeared.

"Atom, huh?"

"We broke up a long time ago."

"And you didn't tell your mom." Lexa figured.

"Yeah. My love life is none of her business."

"So you're not going to bring any partner for dinner? It's your thing but if you ask me, it's special that a mother cares about her child and I saw the love in her eyes when she realized that you were getting out of the car."

Clarke blushed. She had caught herself a few times already, imagining Lexa and her, and now Aden, at Abby's on Christmas, having dinner, drinking and laughing. It had felt right and she had thought about the fact that she would have to introduce Lexa to her mother – in case Lexa felt the same and in case they'd ever get together, that was.

"No, I... can we talk about this another time?" Lexa shot her a small smile and nodded.


	17. Chapter 17

_**Clarke (6:27am)** : It's Movie Friday, want to join us tonight? 8:30 Octavia's place :) I can pick you up if you want. Raven will be there too and some other friends. I'm sure you'll like them. But be warned: Octavia picks the movie ;) xx_

 _ **Clarke (2:11pm)** : Forgot to say; I'd be happy if you could make it :) _

_**Clarke (7:33pm)** : Don't worry about it :) Hope you're having a nice evening! xx_

It was unusual for Lexa to not reply at all but Clarke shook off any negative thoughts and downed her second shot with Octavia, Jasper and Monty. They laughed at a pouting Raven, who had lost rock–paper–scissors against Clarke about who was driving.

Bellamy and Echo arrived a few moments later and Octavia proudly explained that she had picked the worst horror movie she could find, so the whole group was... excited and couldn't get drunk fast enough.

The movie though was not as bad as they had expected and had some rather great jump scare moments. A few more shots after it ended, Clarke excused herself to the bathroom. She closed the door and pulled out her phone, disappointedly sighing when she realized that the brunette still hadn't answered.

 _ **Clarke (10:18pm)** : Are you okay? _

"Clarkypooo! I'm the sober idiot that's bored to death and I wanna go home!" Raven whined from the couch when Clarke appeared in the living room. The blonde was thankful, she was rather drunk and way too tired for the party that was building up, a few of Octavia's friends had already joined them and the group was getting bigger and bigger. She nodded and they waved their friends goodbye and left, ignoring the insults the rest jokingly shouted after them.

* * *

"Why the fuck did Octavia decide to move to Brooklyn again?"

"I don't know Rae. Would you stop slowing down though, the way is long enough already."

"I um, I was actually wondering if you uh, know the way? I think I took a wrong turn and we're kinda lost." Raven explained, slightly scared of the already grumpy Clarke.

"What do you mean we're lost?" Clarke sat herself up a little and looked out of the window. "Where the hell are we?"

"I think we're in Vinegar Hill."

"God, Raven. How did we end up in Vinegar Hill?!" Clarke was too tired to argue but she was annoyed nonetheless.

"I don't know, I just kinda drove and now we're here."

"Okay, just keep driving, I think I know where we are. Try turning left the next street. Over there, see?"

Raven nodded but stared out of the side window, not paying attention to where Clarke was pointing.

"Clarke"

"Over there, you just– you're not even looking!"

"Isn't that Lexa?"

"What?"

"Lexa, isn't that her over there?" Raven repeated, pointing at a person sitting on the porch of a small rather run–down house.

"No no, she lives on the Upper East Side, and it's super late, that means Aden is asleep so she's gotta be home. That's definitely not her."

"I'm serious Clarke, I swear that's her. Lemme just check real quick."

"No, Raven! I just wanna go ho– ugh fuck you." Clarke sighed as Raven was about to open the door. "Stay here, I'll go." Clarke climbed out of the car and walked up to the person that Raven assumed was Lexa. It was dark and Clarke had forgotten her glasses at Octavia's, so she couldn't tell at all whether the person looked similar to Lexa or not. Her question was rather answered though when the person noticed Clarke and jumped up, turning around to disappear into the house. Clarke was faster though and grabbed the other woman's arm.

"Lexa?!" The woman's body stiffened but she didn't turn around.

"Clarke, what are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same, you know?" Clarke sighed. "Lexa, look at me."

Lexa turned her head slightly so that Clarke could see a bit of her face. The blonde let go of Lexa's arm and softened her voice. "Lexa..."

The brunette turned around and Clarke immediately noticed the bruised lips.

"Lexa what the fuck?"

"You shouldn't be here, Clarke. I'm sorry that I didn't answer, I was busy. I'll call you tomorrow, I promise. But now I need you to go. Please."

"I'm not leaving you! Tell me what happened to your lip!"

"Clarke, please. Don't worry. I'm fine, I promise. Just... hey Raven." Clarke turned around and saw that Raven was coming closer.

"Hey Lex! I knew it was youoohhh my God what the _fucking hell_?!"

"Can you please drive Clarke home? I'll explain everything later. Please Raven."

"Well fuck no, _Miss Upper East Side_ , we'll go nowhere until you haven't told Clarke what's going on." Raven stated and crossed her arms. Lexa suggested for Raven to drive home and promised them she'd explain everything to Clarke and take care of her and drop her off later, so Raven reluctantly agreed and left.

Lexa looked at the house behind her and sighed when she turned back to Clarke but made two steps towards the blonde and reached for her hand. "This is not what it looks like." she said with a soft voice, her eyes looking deeply into Clarke's.

"I don't even know what it looks like, Lexa. So... after you." Clarke gestured for the brunette to lead the way.


	18. Chapter 18

The house was dark and smelled like mold, urine and sickness.

"What is this place?" Clarke whispered. Saying she was confused was an understatement.

They went down the hall, passing two closed doors, and then upstairs where Lexa, still holding her hand, led Clarke into a room on the left, where a man was sitting on a mattress on the floor, leaning against the bald wall. He slightly opened his eyes when he heard the two women approach and Clarke could see a hint of a smile on his face. He was unhealthily skinny and seemed to be a few years older but Clarke couldn't really tell. She noticed the needles next to him though and felt sorry for him, but was still confused what Lexa was doing here.

"Clarke, this is Matt." The brunette said calmly. Clarke's eyes widened but she didn't say anything. "He's a friend. I kind of grew up with him." she continued and then it hit Clarke. She was standing in the house that Lexa had moved into when she escaped the foster system and Matt was one of the _Lost Boys_ as Lexa had referred to them on the phone. She had assumed that it was a band that Lexa was managing but now it all made sense. But in Clarke's imagination, the house had been... happier.

"There are three of us left who still live here, the rest disappeared, I assume most of them died sooner or later. There are others now who come and go though, I don't know all of their names."

Matt had been listening to Lexa until he was strong enough to speak. "Alex always brings us food and clean water," he said but paused, well aware of Clarke's confused look, while the blonde let go of Lexa's hand when he used the unusual nickname because she realized how much she still did not know about the brunette.

He tucked his lips into a small smile before he continued. "She's like our mother which is ironic because we're all orphans" he laughed, "I don't know what we'd do without her. Probably we'd all be six feet under by now..." he paused again and coughed when he lit his cigarette, "I don't know how she did it but somehow she made her way out of this shithole. We're all proud of her, I mean look at her, she's a fighter. Always been, always will be." He looked at Lexa and gave her an exhausted smile. "I'm sorry about your lip, munchkin."

She shook her head, "It's fine, don't worry about it. Water's in the kitchen and I made some sandwiches, in case you're hungry and– nope, no puppy eyes, Matt. Get them yourself! I'll be back on Tuesday, okay?" She leaned down and kissed his forehead, took Clarke's hand again and then they left.

* * *

 _ **Clarke (12:29am)** : Hey Rae! Don't worry, I'm at Lexa's and I think I'll stay here for the night. Love ya! Xx _

_**Raven (12:30am)** : okay but I wanna hear everything tomorrow! she okay? _

_**Clarke (12:32am)** : Yeah, all good. x_

They were sitting on the fire escape stairs outside of Lexa's loft, enjoying wine and cigarettes and Clarke was absolutely stunned by the view over the Central Park and Manhattan. Lexa didn't seem to care though; her sad green eyes were fixed on the blonde in front of her.

"I'm sorry you had to see this, Clarke." Lexa said quietly.

"I'm sorry you had to show me. Don't worry though, okay? I mean it was... I don't even know what it was. I didn't realize this is what your past looks like. I can't imagine you in this, and I actually don't want to. But I'm glad that you showed me anyway." She sighed and took another drag from her cigarette. "Lexa, this... God, I'm so sorry."

The brunette gently cupped Clarke's face, pulled it closer and left a light kiss on her cheek. "Don't be."

"By the way, where's Aden?"

"He's at his grandparents'. He doesn't actually live with me."

"Right..."

"I pick him up from school whenever I can and sometimes he stays over night but that doesn't happen too often." Clarke noticed the sad touch Lexa's voice was getting.

"Does his dad stay there too, or at least nearby?"

"No."

"Well, where is he? Doesn't he want to see his son?" Clarke suddenly remembered the conversation she'd had with Lexa about Aden's father the other day. She had seemed hurt and obviously tried to avoid talking about him. Then, the image of Lexa's back popped up in her mind again and Clarke's stomach instantly felt even sicker. She felt bad but when she looked back at Lexa, she saw that her face had softened.

"I'm sure he would love to see him. He passed away shortly after Aden was born."

"I'm sorry..." Clarke said but didn't know how sorry she really was about the death of someone who was responsible for... Lexa's body. She couldn't honestly feel sorry for someone who had done whatever it was that he did to that beautiful person in front of her.

"How..."

"It was his birthday. I didn't feel like celebrating so I didn't go." Lighting her cigarette, she continued, "He was extremely drunk and around midnight I got a call from him, he was saying how much he missed me and that he loved me and that I should come over and at least have one beer with him. I knew he'd keep bothering me if I said No, so I agreed. When I arrived, he..." she held her breath for a moment and Clarke could see that she was desperately trying to fight the tears, so she gently took the brunette's hand.

"I'm here, Lexa. It's okay. What happened then?"

"Everything happened so fast... When I arrived, the house was already in flames. I think I panicked when I ran inside to get him out. When I found him, he was already unconscious. I don't know what happened then. The next thing I remember is me trying to revive him somewhere outside but he was already gone and the doctors later told me that he died while he was still in the house and that I shouldn't have tried to rescue him. Well but I did and the scars you saw remind me of this night everyday."

Clarke lowered her head. She was ashamed of herself. She had assumed that Aden's father had abused Lexa and had hated him before she knew anything about him or their story. Now she knew that he had actually loved her and was sure that Lexa, in some way, had loved him, too. Probably still did. She'd only seen a small part of the brunette's back though, but she figured that if she had seen more, she would have been able to tell the source of the scars.

"Would you– I mean... no, forget it." Clarke stopped but Lexa understood what she wanted to ask. She pulled up her jeans so that Clarke could see the scars on her ankle, then turned around and Clarke pulled down her jacket at the back of her neck, just enough to realize that her whole back was covered in scars, too. Clarke leaned forward and gently kissed the exposed skin, feeling Lexa stiffen under her touch.

"Clarke, don't..."

But Clarke reached for the zipper, slowly pulled it down and removed the jacket, still kissing the brunette's back. She carefully kissed every spot that she could reach, moving over her shoulder blades and down her spine, undressing Lexa piece by piece. When the brunette was left in only her underwear, she reached behind, softly grabbed Clarke's hair and turned her head to kiss the blonde, ever so gently, only to pull away a moment later and turn around to face the blonde.

"You don't have to..." but Clarke silenced her with a soft kiss, their foreheads touching, their eyes still closed.

"I love you, Lexa."


	19. Chapter 19

They loved each other until the sun slowly woke up above New York City.

"You're so beautiful..." Lexa whispered, earning a small smile from Clarke. She was lying on her side, leaning on her forearm, her hand supporting her head, and her fingers were gently running down the blonde's side, over her hip and up again, her eyes following the movements.

She leaned in, left a kiss on Clarke's forehead, got up and put on a t–shirt and some sweatpants.

"Want anything special for breakfast? Besides coffee, of course."

"I want you to take those clothes off", Clarke smirked, Lexa's smile slightly faded though.

"Clarke, I don't–"

"You're beautiful, Lexa. Don't let anyone ever tell you differently. Bacon would be nice though!"

* * *

It was a slow day at the gallery and Clarke had a hard time keeping her eyes open; she was extremely tired thanks to last night's events. She checked her watch and sighed, _two hours to go._

" _Miss Griffin?"_ she heard her boss from the other room.

"Yes?"

"As you know, the exhibition will open next week and there's still a lot to do–"

"I'm sorry, I'm trying my best to have everything ready two days before the opening!"

Her boss smiled. "I know that, thanks. I wanted to speak about the artist that jumped off two days ago."

"Right. I mean I'm sorry, his art would've been a great addition. I can try to find a replacement, if you want?"

"I actually wondered whether you'd want to take his place?"

That caught Clarke off guard. Did she hear that right? Did her boss just offer her to present her art? Did he give her the chance she thought she'd never get?

"I– um."

"It was just an idea. I figured you'd be the perfect replacement. You don't have to, if–"

"No no, I'd love to!" she blurted out.

"Great. You'll be given the space of three paintings, anything you want, as long as it fits in the abstract section. Now go and get to work, I'll expect an example tomorrow. Have a nice day, Miss Griffin." With that, he disappeared into his office and left an overwhelmed Clarke behind.

 _ **Abby (3:24pm)** : Hey honey. I know you are busy but I assumed we'd see you today? Love, Mom_

 _ **Clarke (3:48pm)** : Mom, I said I'd call as soon as I know about Christmas. I'm with a friend today, I don't have time._

Clarke was already annoyed. Her mother knew that she did not want to spend more time than necessary with her and her husband.

 _ **Abby (3:50pm)** : Maybe you can bring your friend? I'll prepare dinner for 7:00._

 _ **Clarke (3:51pm)** : Sorry mom. Another time _

_**Finn (3:58pm)** : I know you two have your problems but you could've at least wished her a happy birthday. she's your mom!_

 _SHIT!_ Clarke's jaw dropped. She really had forgotten her mother's birthday.

 _ **Clarke (4:01pm)** : Hey! Sorry, it's my mom's birthday today. Totally forgot about it, aren't I a great daughter. I really have to go but she kinda invited you too but you don't have to go if you don't want. Think about it, I'd be super happy if you were there to support me! Xx_

 _ **Lexa (4:05pm)** : Does she know about us?_

 _ **Clarke (4:06pm)** : Nope._

 _ **Lexa (4:07pm)** : Should be fun then! Pick me up whenever you're ready. _

* * *

Lexa looked beautiful in her black skinny jeans, combined with a loose white blouse and black combat boots. Clarke wore a short white dress, and a black leather jacket.

"Ugh, thanks for driving! Those high heels are killing me. Already! And thanks for not leaving me alone with this dragon." Clarke whined. Lexa had claimed that she wasn't good with parents, but Clarke assured her that being such a great mom that Lexa was, she wasn't worried at all. Honestly, she thought that Abby would actually like Lexa. How could she not, anyway.

"Honey! I'm glad you could make it!" Abby exclaimed happily, hugging her daughter who, for the first time in months didn't back away.

"I'm sorry I forgot your birthday, mom. So..." she handed her a small gift, one of her paintings that she had planned to give her mom for Christmas, "Happy Birthday!"

"Oh sweetie, you didn't have to– you know... but it's really beautiful! Thank you so much!" Abby stated and then looked over to Lexa. "This must be your friend? Sorry that I ruined your plans for today!"

"That's totally fine. It's nice to meet you, Mrs Griffin. I'm Lexa." Lexa replied and offered a handshake.

"Call me Abby, please! None of Clarke's friends calls me Mrs Griffin!" Abby laughed.

"Yeah um, Mom, Lexa and I–"

"Clarke! Soo happy you came! Didn't really think you'd– oh you brought Lexa as well! Hey there! Where's Aden?"

"Probably getting drunk." Lexa joked.

"Yeah sounds just like him!" The siblings laughed but stopped when Marcus appeared at the door.

"Marcus." Clarke nodded.

"You're late. Come in, dinner's ready." He said, completely ignoring Lexa.

Clarke raised an eyebrow and sighed. "That's my stepfather. He's just as great as he seems." she mumbled under her breath. Lexa reached for Clarke's hand and squeezed it reassuringly.

* * *

"So, Clarke," Marcus began, "tell us about your job. Or jobs, rather."

"Well there's this exhibition at the gallery that I'm kinda managing and my boss actually just asked whether I'd–"

"Abby, would you pass me the potatoes, please?" Marcus interrupted her.

"–like to present some of my–"

"Anyone want some wine?" He got up and left the room.

"...art." Clarke finished.

"You didn't tell me about that! When did that happen? That's amazing!" Lexa spoke up and turned towards the blonde who smiled back at her.

"Today actually, a few hours ago. Thanks, I know! It's awesome, I'm so freakin' happy!"

"I'm so proud of you! Well, we have to celebrate that!" Clarke nodded and laid her hand on Lexa's thigh under the table and squeezed it.

"Later though..." Clarke winked at her and they turned back to Abby and Finn, who had watched the two women but said nothing. Finn tried to hide his smirk and Clarke wasn't sure whether Abby hadn't notice the intimacy between her and Lexa, or if she just didn't care.

"How's Atom, sweetie?" There it was.

"I don't know, I guess he's okay."

"Why isn't he here?" Abby continued, obviously ignoring her daughter's hint about the situation between her and her ex.

"We broke up like a year ago, mom."

"Oh what a pity. So is there another man in your life then? I'm sure you have hundreds who'd love to take his place!"

"God, mom. No. There's no man in my life. Obviously." Finn tried to gulp down a laughter while Clarke shot him a glance and narrowed her eyes.

"Okay but you're not a teenager anymore, you should think about your future. You don't want to end up alone, do you?"

"Actually, I'm with–"

"Wine anyone?" Marcus interrupted them, again, sat down and started talking about how great Finn was doing at the hospital and that he'll be just as successful as everyone was expecting him to be anyway.

* * *

After dinner, Marcus disappeared, claiming he had to finish some work, Abby went to clean the dishes and Lexa offered to help her, and Clarke and Finn sat down on the porch, like they always did after these dinners.

"So you guys are a thing now?"

"Yeah I guess. We haven't really talked about it but–"

"Seriously?! What's there still to talk about? You're all crazy about each other! Have you seen how she looks at you? And how you look at her? Like all heart eyes? So gross!" Finn laughed and earned a hit on his shoulder. "No seriously, I'm happy for you two. Lexa's amazing, and hot as well. She's like all gentleman and stuff. Quite a keeper!"

"Yeah, she is." Clarke emptied her glass and smiled.

The two women said goodbye and left an hour later. Clarke was visibly relieved, she'd expected things to go much worse but actually, it had been okay. Apart from the incident about Atom. But _oh well..._

"Have you talked to Raven yet?" Lexa asked and turned to Clarke.

"About what?... Oh. No, I– I don't know. I guess I'm waiting for her to make the first step."

Lexa nodded but didn't say anything else, instead took Clarke's hand and intertwined their fingers, until they arrived at Clarke's apartment.

* * *

"I had fun today, thanks, Clarke. And don't worry about your mother, I had a good conversation with her in the kitchen. She loves you, I hope you know that. Don't be too hard on her, she's really trying, you know..."

"Yeah I know, babe."

Lexa raised an eyebrow but leaned in for a kiss, which quickly deepened. Clarke felt herself being pushed against the apartment door and pulled Lexa impossibly closer. Just as she slid her fingers beneath Lexa's blouse, they heard Raven from the other side of the door.

" _Good lord, girls, some people are trying to sleep here! I'm gonna open the door now, hope you're still fully dressed! –_ Hi Lexa!"

"Hey Raven! Well, I better go now, I'll have to get up at 5:30 tomorrow. I'll be away for three days. Fancy a dinner when I'm back?"

Clarke nodded, "I'd like that. 5:30 though? Ugh! Anyway, have fun on... tour? Text me when you're free." She leaned in to kiss the brunette. "Good night, Lexa."

"Good night, _babe_." Lexa smirked and disappeared into the darkness of the staircase.

"She's hot!" Raven grinned and was well aware of the love in Clarke's eyes when the blonde replied, "She's perfect..."


	20. Chapter 20

" _We'll have to run further tests and analyze the results before I can be more precise but for now, it looks like it'll be three months. Four months at most. I'm sorry, Miss Griffin."_

The doctor's words kept ringing in her ears. She had gone to ask him to have a look at her head, since the headaches, which she assumed came from all the stress about the upcoming exhibition, had gotten worse and now she was standing on the street with a tumor in her brain that, as the doctor had explained, was too big to be removed.

Her first instinct was to call Lexa but she did not want to worry her. She would wait for her to come home. Her second thought was to call Raven or Octavia, but she did not have the energy to meet either of them right now. She knew she should tell her mom, but Abby would only give her a speech about the risks of a chemotherapy and cancer prevention. She sighed and dialed a number.

" _...Bellamy?"_

* * *

"Three months..." Bellamy repeated and took a sip from his beer.

"Four months tops."

"Have you told anyone yet?"

"Only you."

"What are the chances that..."

"70/30"

Bellamy nodded. Usually he knew what to say and how to soothe a situation, but this had caught him off guard, which did not go unnoticed by Clarke.

"You don't have to say anything, Bell. I just wanted to tell someone. I was hoping that would kinda... I don't know. Calm me down or something."

"Did it work?"

"No."

"Listen C, just let the doctors make those tests and until then, just stay calm. You can't do anything about it anyway, as long as you don't know what's up, right?"

Clarke nodded. "Thanks Bell. I have to go now, I'll call you okay?"

She left the café but didn't head right home, and instead found herself strolling towards the Central Park. She sat down on a small rock, as she always did when she had to think. It was her favorite spot, it was kind of hidden, so no one ever really disturbed her. She thought about where she was standing in her life right now. She was 26, she had her best friend back, she had a wonderful girlfriend with a wonderful son, and she caught herself imagining the three of them being a family and smiled at that thought. She had two jobs that she loved and now she also had gotten the opportunity to present her art, as a part of a professional exhibition. And she had cancer.

"Three fucking months..." she whispered to herself. She didn't know what to think, she didn't know what to feel. She assumed she should cry, but the tears wouldn't come. She knew it was probably the shock, but she suddenly felt almost unhealthily energetic.

* * *

"Clarkypoo, what's up! I thought we could have a movie night? We could order pizza and get hamm–"

"Raven, why did you come back?" Clarke asked, firmly but not accusingly when she entered the kitchen and sat down on one of the chairs.

"Wh– uh. I guess I..." Raven scratched her head and slowly sat down, as well. "I guess I had some time to think and I realized that– well, saying that you let him... that it was your fault, was wrong. I was just so angry and hurt and I never got the chance to, you know, sort things out with him and when he was ready, it was too late and I needed to take it out on someone and you were there, and... You were always there. I mean for me. And I didn't see it.

When I left, I went up to Canada and stayed in a super deserted cabin. The first two weeks were full of excessive drinking, the next two weeks were full of excessive sports and when I had it all um, vomited and kicked out, I started to think about what actually happened and I realized that you were trying to help and that you would always be there for me and that I actually was the biggest asshole, I mean much more than I usually am and I couldn't lose another person that means the world to me. I mean you're– you're my best friend and... I love you so much, seriously, and I couldn't lose you, and when I realized that I probably, in fact already had lost you, I had to come back. I was sure you'd beat me up and never let me into this apartment again, but I– I don't know. I had to try, and you... well here I am. I'm sorry I pushed you away, Clarke. I was just... I'm so sorry."

"It's okay Raven, I just had to know. I'm not mad at you. I love you, no matter what happened in the past and no matter what will happen in the future. I hope you know that. Come here–" Clarke wiped some of Raven's tears away and hugged her tightly, swearing herself she'd never let her best friend go, ever again.

"Clarke I can't brea– ugh. Clarke I actually need air!" Raven laughed and pulled away. "You wouldn't wan–... Clarke?" She furrowed her brows at the sight of Clarke, staring back at her with empty eyes. "What's wrong?"

Clarke did not really have the courage to tell Raven but she knew that her best friend would know something was horribly wrong anyway, if she said it was nothing. She sighed and got up, took a few steps away from Raven, crossing her arms but not turning around. "I have cancer, Raven."

"Ugh. That's not funny, Clarke. Seriously, what's wrong? I know about your occasional black humor but cancer is nothing to joke about. Tell me what's going on. Is it about Lexa?"

"The doctor gave me 12 weeks." She waited for a moment and turned around to the now wax–pale Raven who was staring back at her and she feared that the girl would collapse from the shock.

"When..."

"He told me this morning."

"Oh shit. Fuck Clarke, what the _hell_! You can't do this to me!"

"It's not like I chose this, you know..."

"Fuck I know. I'm sorry Clarke, I didn't mean it!"

"I know." Clarke offered her a small smile, not sure whether it really convinced her best friend. "So you said something about a movie night with pizza and beer?"


	21. Chapter 21

**Note:** _Got a review in Portuguese (I guess?) which I don't really speak but the meaning was clear though. But I actually appreciate it! And yeah, you're right but trust me; I'm sorry if I hurt or disappointed anyone, that was never my intention but that's my creative freedom. I just went with the flow when I created this, I kind of wrote this whole thing in two days – But seriously, heads up! :)_

 _And to be honest, I'm kind of proud of the outcome anyway. I had no idea where this was going, either, when I started it but here we are, and our journey is not over yet!_

 _Thanks as well_ ** _fuckyeahswanqueen_** _(Ha! Love your name!), and_ ** _Guest(s)_** _for some super sweet reviews! x_

* * *

Her friends knew about the tumor but Clarke had decided not to tell Lexa yet. She figured if she really had only three months left, or four if she was lucky, she wanted to spend them in the best way possible and that, she thought, required Lexa to not know about it.

 _ **Lexa (3:13pm)** : Hey! I'll be back in NYC at 6:30 and I'd like to take you out for dinner?_

 _ **Clarke (3:14pm)** : I'd love that! :) pick me up at 8pm? Can't wait to see you again, babe xx_

 _ **Lexa (3:21pm)** : Can't wait either! _

* * *

"That wine is really good! And the dinner was absolutely delicious! And you look _so,_ so beautiful!" Clarke said, taking another sip. "So how was the... do three days already count as a tour?"

Lexa laughed. "Well, I guess you could consider it a tour, yeah. It was great and actually quite successful but I'm glad to be back home, too. Are you okay though? You seem a little distracted today."

"Yeah it's just... I talked to Raven and she explained her side of the story and I think I just needed to hear what she thinks and that she knows that I'm there for her, no matter what." Clarke hoped that this would satisfy Lexa, but when the brunette nodded but slightly narrowed her eyes, she quickly added, "And I'm super tired. This whole exhibition thing is really stressing me out. It's a big deal, for the gallery and for me too, of course. I have the paintings but I'm not 100% sure they're the best choice."

"I'm sure they're perfect." The brunette smiled and Clarke was relieved that the topic seemed to be over.

"How's Aden?"

"Oh he's great, I facetimed with him yesterday. For two minutes actually, then he fell asleep. But I'll pick him up from school tomorrow and I had to promise to make my famous _Lexa–Burgers,_ so if you'd like to try some, you're invited of course!"

"I'd like to try some other _Lexa–stuff_ , too..." Clarke said in her low raspy voice that always made Lexa forget how to breathe.

"Then what are you waiting for?"

* * *

They barely made it to Lexa's loft and didn't even bother to get to the brunette's bed. Clarke loved the brunette. She loved everything about her. She loved the way Lexa grabbed her hips and pulled her impossibly closer as Clarke pushed her against the wall and herself into the woman's body. She loved how Lexa's fingers were tangled in her hair when she kissed her neck. She loved the soft moans that escaped the brunette's mouth as she slid her hands under her shirt and left scratch marks on firm abs. She loved the heavy breathing and the way Lexa threw her head onto Clarke's shoulder and she loved how the brunette arched her back and became completely silent for a moment.

And she loved the way Lexa loved her back.

* * *

When Clarke reached Lexa's door, she could already smell those infamous burgers and she realized how hungry she actually was. The door swung open before she could knock and Aden pulled her inside.

"You're louder than elephants, Clarke! You breathe like Darth Vader!" Aden stated, arms crossed.

"And how would you know how Darth Vader sounds?" Clarke laughed, mirroring his posture and playfully shooting a warning look to Lexa who threw her hands up in defense.

"He watches those things with Toby and his big brother, not my fault that kid here is wrecked already!"

"Mom!"

"Just kidding, buddy. Come here, I need you to try that wine. I'm not sure if it's a good choice." Aden smelled at the bottle and grimaced which caused both women to laugh. "Good choice then!"

The famous _Lexa–_ Burgers, Clarke had to admit, were better than anything she'd ever eaten before. Well, _almost_ anything and she slightly blushed at that thought.

After dinner found them in the living room with Clarke on the couch and Aden cuddled up against Lexa in an arm chair.

"Aden has an art project coming up at school and he was wondering if you could help him a bit?" Lexa said, earning an angry glance from her son and laughed. "Sorry, I thought you were too shy to ask."

"Well I'd love to help you!" Clarke assured him.

"And there's something else that he–"

"I can do it, mom! Umm... It's my birthday in March and mom said you'd be busy then with another exbit.. exhibti.. at your work. So I thought if I asked early enough, maybe you could schedule everything and come to my birthday party... um, so will you come?" Lexa leaned down and whispered something in his ear and he quickly added, "Please?"

"Absolutely!" The blonde smiled. That boy was too adorable for her heart to take and the interaction between him and his mom warmed her heart, every time. She was happy and thankful that she was actually a part of their life. It was when she thought she couldn't be happier and how perfect everything was right now, when it hit her. It was the end of October and March was five months away.

* * *

She did not sleep well that night. She woke up every once in a while, her skin covered in a thin layer of sweat, her breathing fast. Lexa was sleeping next to her and the peaceful look on the brunette's face calmed Clarke down a bit.

She woke up again and glanced at the alarm clock. 4:59am. Lexa was now sleeping on her side, facing away from Clarke. Her breathing was calm and steady and Clarke carefully snuggled up to her, breathing in the scent of Lexa's hair.

"I'm sorry, Lexa. There are so many things that I want to tell you and so many things you need to know, and I just don't have enough time and it scares me. I'm so scared, Lexa. I wish you were awake, I won't have the courage again to tell you. I'm... I love you, no matter what. I will always love you. Wherever I am..." Clarke whispered. She knew she should actually tell Lexa everything, she knew Lexa would want to know and that she also had every right to know. But Clarke also knew that she wouldn't be brave enough to speak those words again. She closed her eyes and felt a tear running down her cheek. She had accepted what was about to come and quietly cried herself to sleep.

"I love you too, Clarke." Lexa whispered back at the sleeping blonde, and closed her eyes.


	22. Chapter 22

It was the fifth time Clarke deleted the message she had written. Abby needed to know but Clarke just didn't know what to say. She typed in a short message and hit send, then pocketed her phone and left for the bar.

The group was already there, Octavia and Raven excitedly talking about something Lincoln had said, and Bellamy and Echo were trying to win pool against Jasper and Monty, which didn't seem too hard since the boys kept goofing around and were clearly too drunk to even hold the cue properly. Clarke waved at them and then disappeared behind the bar.

Two hours later, Clarke felt tipsy as well and went out for a quick smoke, with Octavia and Jasper following her.

"Don't you think you should, you know... not smoke?" Jasper asked, clearly uncomfortably and slightly scared of the blonde's reaction.

"Yeah, probably." She said and took another drag, while Octavia shot a warning glance at Jasper.

"Okay C, this was really fun but it's really, _really_ cold and we'll go back inside, see ya in a minute!" Clarke nodded and watched her friends disappear.

"Well hello there, what's a pretty girl like you doing here, all alone?" A man approached Clarke. He was clearly drunk.

"Thank God I'm not alone actually. No need to worry about me, get going." Clarke sassed but it didn't impress the man at all.

"I knew you'd be happy for me to come and rescue you." He continued while Clarke took a few steps back, but he kept moving closer until he had her pinned to the wall and laid his hands next to either side of her head to trap her.

"Look, I'm not interested and I have to go back inside, so could you please– Ugh, enough!" She exclaimed when he leaned in dangerously close to her face.

"Didn't you hear her? She said _No._ " Clarke's heart jumped at the voice and the guy turned around and faced Lexa, who was simply standing there with her arms crossed, but something about her posture and especially her eyes let Clarke have a cold shiver running down her spine, and apparently, the brunette had the same effect on the guy, too.

"I suggest you back off, now." She said and he raised his hands in defense, taking enough steps backwards to show that they had nothing to worry about anymore.

"Sorry, didn't mean to–"

"Yeah well but you did." Lexa said calmly but Clarke could see her jaw twitch slightly, so she gently laid her hand on her girlfriend's biceps. "Lexa, let's go." But Lexa did not move, she just kept glaring at the man in front of her. She only reacted when Clarke stepped in front of her, "Please."

She reluctantly nodded and they went back inside the bar.

"Lexa, what the _fuck_ were you thinking? He could have hurt you!" Clarke hissed, a hint of anger rushing through her voice, while she opened a beer and slid it over the counter to Lexa who was sitting on a barstool, her muscles stiffened.

"He could have hurt _you_!" Lexa stated, her right hand lying on her thigh, in a fist and she felt her nails dig deep into the flesh.

"He didn't, Lexa. It's okay. Those things happen sometimes, drunk people can be pretty intrusive. But they only flirt. That's all they ever do. Please don't worry about that, babe. It's fine."

"Yeah well thanks for telling me that, as if the images of that _one_ guy that I now have burnt into my mind aren't enough already."

Clarke sighed and made her way around the counter and took the brunette's hands, brushing her thumb over the sore skin of the woman's palm. "Lexa, please. It's fine, trust me. I'm okay."

Lexa's lips slightly parted and she raised an eyebrow and blinked, a tear forming in her eye. "Are you really?" Clarke had no idea what she was referring to, so she just nodded and leaned in for a kiss, which was quiet and slow and only lasted for a few seconds. "I gotta get back to working, babe. Raven and the guys are somewhere in the back playing pool. I'm sure they'd love you to join them!" She said and smiled when Lexa sighed, grabbed her beer and made her way to Clarke's friends.

"Lexa!" Raven exclaimed happily and dragged the other brunette towards the pool table. "You, me, pool, now!"

"You'll lose if Lexa plays as great as you, Rae!" Bellamy laughed and held out his hand. "I'm Bellamy, nice to meet you." Lexa accepted his handshake and her eyes wandered around the group.

"Sorry. This is Echo, my girlfriend, this is Octavia, my sister–"

"We already had the pleasure to meet!" Octavia interrupted him and pulled Lexa into a short hug.

"Oh okay, cool! Well and these two dorks are Monty and Jasper, they're Raven's workmates. And yeah, this is Raven, but you two obviously know each other already, as well. So – Rexa against Bellecho?" Lexa questioningly raised her eyebrow but Raven laughed and shot a middle finger at Bellamy. "Don't mind him, it's an inside joke."

"Alright, Lexa, show us what you got!" Echo teased playfully and handed Lexa the cue.

"20 bucks Rexa will lose!" Jasper shouted and had Monty on his side, while Octavia supported the two women and bet against her brother and his girlfriend. The boys laughed at her but instantly shut up when Lexa hit the billiard balls in a perfect angle, potting two of them at once. She raised an eyebrow at Jasper and quietly handed the cue to a startled Bellamy.

* * *

Clarke's knuckles were white from clutching the sink as she looked in the mirror. She could feel the throbbing pressure against her skull and the pain was killing her. _Literally_. She laughed at her reflection in disgust, splashed some cold water on her face and left the bathroom.

"God, you have no idea how good it is to see you!" Clarke sighed as she approached her girlfriend from behind and slid her arms around the brunette's waist. Lexa turned around in the embrace and gently tuck a lose strand behind Clarke's ear. "Hey", she said quietly, her lips forming a small smile. "You look tired, do you want to leave?", "Yes please, lemme just grab my things real quick."

They laughed at the cheers and whistles about their kiss, waved back at their friends and left the bar.

* * *

Clarke was sitting on Lexa's bed, waiting for her to join her. Lexa stepped out of the bathroom in a wide shirt and shorts and quickly opened the closet door and disappeared behind it, to get some sweatpants.

"Babe, you don't have to hide your legs. And I actually prefer you without sweatpants, anyway."

"It's cold without them. I'll be there in just a second."

"It's not cold here at all. Just come here... Please?"

Lexa sighed and closed the door to look at her girlfriend who was still sitting on her bed, arms around her knees that were tucked up but when the blonde looked up, Lexa could see that she had been crying. Her heart ached at that sight, so she quickly made her way to the bed and gently wiped some half dried tears away. "Hey, what's wrong?" Clarke hesitated for a moment and then just shook her head. "You know you can tell me anything, right?... Clarke, look at me," she gently raised the blonde's chin, "why were you crying?"

Clarke finally met her girlfriend's eye, reached for her hand and her eyes softened when she spoke. "I won't be able to make it to Aden's birthday party."

"Oh Clarke, that's okay. He'll understand. We can have a private party later if it's so important for you, I'm sure he'd love that, too." Lexa said and tried to kiss the blonde but the woman backed away and lowered her head.

"I... won't be able to make it to that party, either." Clarke said quietly and felt new tears running down her cheeks.

"What do you mean you won't be able to make it? Clarke, what's wrong? Are you–" she paused. "Are you breaking up with me?" Clarke's head shot up and she could see the hurt in Lexa's eyes.

"God, no. Babe– no! I'm not breaking up with you. I would never do that! I love you... You know that, right?" Clarke tried to calm the brunette and was relieved when she nodded.

"Then what is it?"

Clarke hesitated for a moment.

"I'm ill, Lexa."

 _Silence._

"I have a brain tumor and they cannot remove it, it's too dangerous. I could get chemotherapy but the chance that it works is only thirty percent. At least that's what the doctor said. They need to run more tests to be sure though, and they'll–"

"How long...?"

"That's not important, Lexa. I–"

"How long?"

"12 weeks."

Lexa said nothing else. She did not shout, she did not cry, she did not assure Clarke that everything would be okay. She simply held her until they fell asleep.


	23. Chapter 23

"Are you sure you want to do this?" They were sitting in Lexa's car outside of Abby's house.

"No, not at all."

"Well we can still turn around."

"Yes please!"

"Clarke... Your mother deserves to know what's going on in your life. You promised her to show up today." Lexa took Clarke's hand and gently squeezed it. "And you're not alone. I'm here, I'm not going anywhere." The blonde nodded and climbed out of the car. She still had no idea what she had done to deserve such a beautiful person like Lexa to love her.

"Hey sweetie! I'm happy you could make it!" Abby blurted out and hugged both women who, one more than the other, were slightly startled by the intimate gesture.

"Come in, and I want to know everything about the exhibition!"

"Marcus...?" Clarke started but her mom shook her head, "He's in Washington, on a business trip." Clarke sighed in relief and they followed Abby into the house.

"So when's the grand opening?" Abby asked, putting cups on the coffee table and then motioning for Clarke and Lexa to sit down on the couch.

"This Friday, actually. There's still some work waiting to get done but we're following the schedule really well, so the main stuff should be finished on Wednesday morning."

"And your paintings will be there, too, right?"

"Yep."

"Actually," Lexa interfered, "Clarke wanted to invite you to the opening, Mrs Griffin." Clarke shot her a confused glance.

"It's Abby, Lexa!" Abby smiled. "And sweetie I'd love to come!"

"Yeah I um– yeah." Clarke took a large sip from her coffee, not sure how to proceed.

They talked about this and that, mainly about Finn and Abby's work and Clarke felt the consequences of too much caffeine when the throbbing pain in her head worsened again but she tried not to let it show. And it worked. Almost.

"So honey, your text sounded... kind of, let's say worrying. And you don't look too well either. Are you okay? Do I need to worry?"

"No mom, it's fine." Clarke replied and felt Lexa shift a little next to her, but she said nothing, so Clarke continued. "The whole exhibition thing is super exhausting. Don't get me wrong, I love it, everything about it but I'm not gonna lie, I'm glad when it's finally over."

"Yeah I understand that, work can be stressful sometimes. Speaking of it – Lexa, what do you actually do for a living?"

"I'm manage bands and their tours. It's not really an academic job but it's good money and it's what I like to do." Lexa offered politely.

"Wow! That's... great! I guess. Sounds adventurous for sure!"

"It can be, sometimes." Lexa replied and Abby laughed. "I'm sure. So what about about a family? Do you have a boyfriend or maybe a husband?"

"Mom I don't think Lexa wants to–"

"Neither, actually."

"Oh," Abby looked slightly disappointed at that, "but you're a beautiful woman and don't you, I mean... want to have a family someday?"

"To be honest, I have a family and I'm really happy."

"But didn't you just say that you don't have a partner?"

"That's not exactly what I said, Mrs Gr– Abby. I have a son, he's my everything and I have a wonderful girlfriend who, I think, loves him just as much as I do." Lexa calmly explained.

"Oh... And uh..." Clarke could see that her mother clearly had not expected this and actually, she enjoyed seeing her mother grow slightly uncomfortable while trying to figure out how to handle the new information. "And what does your... girlfriend... do? I mean what does she work? Is she nice? I mean of course she is. And does she– um... what's she like?"

Clarke blushed but Lexa played it cool. "She's great. She's a wonderful person and she truly has a beautiful soul. When I met her," Lexa's lips were now forming a small smile, "I think I was giving her a hard time. I kind of controlled the situation, and I'm more than thankful that she was so patient and waited for me to, you know, open up and give this... relationship a chance. I'm sure I don't deserve her, she's perfect. I don't know what else to say. I'm glad this happened."

Abby smiled. "Sounds like you two are happy together and like you're really lucky to have her. And, if I may say, she can be really lucky to have you, too. I don't know a lot about you, but from what I can tell, you're a good person to have around."

"Thank you, Abby."

"But you didn't tell me about her work. I mean is she... in a good financial situation? What does she do?" Clarke chuckled but only enough for Lexa to notice.

"Well she works at a bar and is managing an important exhibition at a gallery right now."

Abby's – jaw – dropped.

* * *

"So that went quite well, didn't it?" Clarke laughed as they climbed into the car. "I'm glad it wasn't me who had to tell her. You were fantastic, babe. Seriously! She loves you, obviously, and she gave us her _Okay_ before she even knew! Well played, Miss Woods!" She leaned over and kissed her girlfriend.

"I'm glad my dilemma amused you." The brunette joked and started the engine, but didn't drive right off. Instead, she took Clarke's hand and waited for her eyes to meet hers. "You should have told her, though."

"But you did such a great job!"

"That's not what I mean, Clarke."

Clarke let go of Lexa's hand and turned her head and looked out of the front window.

"I will tell her. Later."

"Later, when? Clarke, don't hurt her. She deserves to know. Actually, she deserved to know before anyone else. I don't want you to do something you might regret. But in the end, it's your choice alone and I respect that. And I support you, okay? Whatever you decide. I love you, I'm here."

"Can you just drive us home, please?"


	24. Chapter 24

**Note:** _Just to inspire you a little (not that any of you would need that; I know that Clexa fans can have a very... precise imagination), you can google "Eliza Taylor TCA" and, well, we all know what Alycia looks like in a suit. ;)_

* * *

 _Friday, October 21_

Clarke looked stunning. She was wearing a lose black silky shirt, a knee–length black skirt with light sun–like pattern and classy black high heels. She had her hair tied back in a casual messy bun with a few lose strands hanging out. She was standing at the entrance of the gallery, greeting every guest, personally, her smile never fading. Every once in a while she would take nip of her champagne and look around the gallery to make sure that everyone was having a good time.

Lexa adored her. She just couldn't keep her eyes off the blonde. She was incredibly proud of her girlfriend, of everything she had accomplished, and twenty minutes into the exhibition, she could already tell that it was going to be a huge success, so when Clarke's eyes met hers, she raised her glass and nodded appreciatively and couldn't help but also send a small wink to the blonde.

She was standing next to the group of Octavia and Lincoln, Raven, and Bellamy and Echo but hadn't spoken a lot with them yet, not wanting to bother the friends much. She nodded at Abby when the woman entered the gallery.

"She looks so gorgeous and so so happy! I don't know why I ever thought that a medical career would be right for her. Seeing her here," Abby gestured around the gallery, "explains a lot. I've never understood her love for art but now... it makes sense, don't you think?"

"Very much so. With all due respect though, Abby, you should tell her. I'm sure it would make your daughter happy to hear these things from you. It's one of the reasons why she... keeps her distance with you and your husband."

Abby sighed. She knew that Lexa was right, but it was difficult for her to admit it to her daughter. Yet. She was thankful for the distraction, when a small boy approached Lexa and hugged her. She smiled when Lexa kneeled down beside him to readjust his tie.

"You're too handsome for your own good, buddy! Be careful, I might kidnap you!" She laughed, kissed his cheek and got back up.

"Abby, this is my son Aden. Aden, this is Abby, Clarke's mom."

"It's very nice to meet you, Aden!"

"Pleasure's all mine!" Aden politely replied and Abby raised an eyebrow. "That boy has some good manners, Lexa!"

They were silenced by clinking glass and turned around to look at Clarke, who was standing on the other side of the room, all eyes on her.

"I would like to thank everyone for coming. My name is Clarke Griffin and I'm the person responsible tonight. We're proud to exhibit such a variety of art pieces. I'm sorry to inform you though that two of the artists cannot be here tonight to answer potential questions, but if there is anything you'd like to know, I'll be happy to be of help.

I would also like to thank the team behind the curtain and of course everyone who kept me sane during the planning." The crowd laughed. "Thank you for making this possible." She raised her glass towards her boss but also smiled at her girlfriend for a moment while she waited for the applause to fade out again.

"I hope you have a pleasant evening and if you need anything – You know now what I look like, I promise I won't run away. Thank you."

Lexa jumped back to reality when the audience broke into applause again and Clarke's friends cheered and whistled next to her.

* * *

"Oh God gimme that bottle!" Clarke said exhaustedly when she finally approached her friends. She had been talking to all and sundry, answering questions about paintings, the gallery, her art and upcoming projects. It was more exhausting than she had imagined but she loved every second of it. This was what she wanted to do. This was her passion.

"You were amazing. And you still are. And you look stunning today. And I'm proud of you." Lexa pulled her into her arms and waited for Clarke to make the next step, not sure whether it was appropriate for them to kiss at such an event. But Clarke obviously thought it was, because it took her less than a second to throw her arms around the brunette's neck and pull her into a deep kiss.

They only let go of each other when they heard Abby clear her throat.

"I'm... sorry to disturb the two of you, I just wanted to tell you how... proud I am of you. Oh and Finn told me to make sure you know how sorry he is that he couldn't make it but he couldn't switch shifts." Clarke nodded. "Well, I hope you– two enjoy the rest of the night, I mean I'm sure you will" Abby blushed when she realized the ambiguity, "I'm gonna go now. Long day, long week. Bye folks, bye Lexa, and say Hi to Aden from me, it was really nice to meet him, he's a great boy. Bye sweetheart!" She hugged all of them and left.

* * *

Lexa dropped Aden off at his grandparents around ten but she went back to the exhibition. When she arrived at the venue, she lit a cigarette outside, her eyes following the blonde inside wherever she was going. She couldn't stop taking in the sight of a smiling Clarke and the sparkle in the blonde's eyes. Seeing her that happy warmed and hurt her heart at the same time. She knew that this was what Clarke wanted to do for the rest of her life... and she knew that it would be a much shorter time than they would have thought. Suddenly, she felt anger boil up inside of her. Clarke deserved better than that. If she could, she would give her life to give Clarke the chance to live her dreams. She would do anything for her, Clarke deserved everything and she hated herself for not being able to give that to her.

"I'm not going to ask what's wrong with you Lexa, because I know, but Clarke's not gonna take it easy on you if she sees your hand, I promise you that!" Raven said calmly. Lexa hadn't seen or heard her approaching. And now that she was brought back to reality, she also felt the pain in her hand and looked down. Her knuckles where bruised and bleeding and she realized that she had thrown her fist into the wall in front of her.

"You two are quite the impulsive couple, I'll give you that. But now do something about your hand. You don't want Clarke to freak out on her big day."


	25. Chapter 25

Of course Clarke had noticed. But she did not freak out, she knew her girlfriend and how emotional she could be sometimes, so she had just pulled Lexa into the staff room and patched her up. She would mention it later.

The guests slowly began to leave, and Clarke's friends, who had taken good care of the champagne stock, had been insisting on helping Clarke clean up but the blonde had sent them home, too, knowing they would probably break something and mess the place up more than being of actual help.

It took them almost an hour to clean up, but then her boss had told them to go home, too, after a last glass of champagne, since Clarke had done more than enough already.

* * *

"I'm so tired, babe." Clarke whined, dropping her head on her girlfriend's shoulder while the brunette fumbled for her keys and opened the door.

"I know. Let's get you to bed." Lexa replied softly, half carrying the blonde upstairs and gently laid her down on the bed. She quickly undressed her girlfriend, carefully lifted her up into a somewhat sitting position and pulled a wide shirt over her head.

"I'll just get some water, I'll be right back. Stay where you are and feel free to fall asleep." She said, leaving a soft kiss on the blonde's forehead, who mumbled something that sounded like "I love you", before she let herself fall onto the pillow and was close to dozing off already.

Lexa pulled her hair into a loose ponytail, put on some sweatpants and a top and padded downstairs to quickly check her phone and grab a water bottle. She was just on her way back when she heard Clarke scream. She dropped her phone and the bottle and almost tripped up the stairs.

"Clarke what's wrong?" The blonde was kneeling on the bed, one hand on the mattress to keep her balance and the other one on her forehead. "Shit!... _Clarke!_ "

"Lexa, I–" she grimaced, and closed her eyes again. Lexa ran to the bathroom to get a cold wet washcloth which she handed Clarke but the blonde didn't react. Her stomach turned, she just did not know what to do.

"Do you want some water?" She asked helplessly but Clarke shook her head, letting out another pained groan.

"Clarke I'll be right back, okay? Can you stay here for just a minute? Is that okay?"

When Clarke didn't reply, Lexa hesitated for a moment but ran downstairs to get her phone. She quickly sent a text, grabbed some pain killers and a water bottle and hurried upstairs again.

"Clarke, I need you to take these painkillers!" She begged but Clarke didn't move. She didn't even make any sound anymore. "Clarke, please!" Lexa sighed. _Nothing._ Suddenly, Clarke's head shot up, her face still twisted with pain and she quickly crawled towards the edge of the bed to get up.

"Whooww okay easy!" Lexa jumped forward to catch the blonde who was just about to collapse onto the floor. "Bathroom?" Clarke nodded.

Clarke gagged and threw up until nothing but bile was left to come out. Lexa was holding her the entire time, occasionally wiping some sweat off the blonde's neck and forehead. When Clarke hadn't moved for several moments, she started caressing her back. "Are you feeling a little better?" It took a while but Clarke nodded. "Do you want to try to get up?" Clarke nodded again. "... okay, I got you. Come on." Lexa promised as she put Clarke's arm around her shoulder and gently lifted her up, then carefully led her back to the bed again and helped her sit down.

"Does your head still hurt?"

"It always hurts."

"Okay... do you feel like you have to throw up again? Or can you lay down and try to sleep?"

Clarke closed her eyes, trying to form a useful sentence. "No I think I'm okay. Sleeping would be nice though. Could you–", her voice cracked and she was too weak to point towards the water bottle but Lexa understood and helped Clarke take a small sip.

Clarke was lying on her back, trying to stay as still as possible to not overtax her head. Lexa was sitting on the edge of the bed beside her, gently brushing her thumb over her girlfriend's hand.

"I'm sorry..."

"It's okay, Clarke. Please, none of this is your fault. Don't be sorry."

"Can you stay here until I fall asleep?"

Lexa sighed and tucked her lips into a small smile. "I'm not going anywhere. I'm right here. I promise." She wanted to lean down and kiss the blonde's forehead but was scared that it would hurt her.

* * *

"Thanks for coming, Abby." Lexa said when she opened the door.

"Where is she?"

"She's upstairs, she's sleeping."

"Okay, good. That's good. Would it be okay if I..."

"Of course, as long as you need." Lexa reassured her, holding out her hand for Abby to hand her her jacket and then led the way to the living room.

"There, upstairs, is the bedroom. There's also an armchair, if you want to be there when she wakes up."

"The couch is perfectly fine. You should stay upstairs and be there when she wakes up. I'm sure I'm not the first person she wants to see tomorrow, I'd just like to be around in case something... happens, again."

Lexa nodded slightly. "Can I get you anything? A water maybe?"

"God, I could use a shot of some hard stuff actually. If that's okay."

"Sure." The brunette replied and prepared a vodka shot for Abby. They sat in silence for a while, not really sure what to say, not really wanting to say anything anyway.

"And it just came out of nowhere? Clarke was never the migraine type. Then again, I haven't really seen or spoken to her a lot in the past few years. Did she mention anything? Migraine can be a bitch, I really hope it's not that bad."

Lexa lowered her eyes and focused on the bottle, then decided to pour Abby another shot and get one as well.

"It's not a migraine."

Abby narrowed her eyes, "How can you be so sure? Did she see a doctor already? Because if not, then she–"

"She saw a doctor. It's not a migraine, Abby." Lexa explained as calmly as possible but she was well aware of her slightly shaking voice.

"Okay if it's not that, then what is it? Is it– is it something... worse? Don't tell me she's pregnant! Lexa? Oh my God. Is she– wait, how?"

Lexa couldn't help but let out a small laugh at this, but she still looked anywhere else but at Abby.

"She's not pregnant. It's... she should tell you herself."

"How bad can it be? Why can't you just tell me? Is it embarrassing? I mean unless it's cancer but that's really– ... Lexa?... Lexa would you just look at me for a second?" Lexa hesitated but reluctantly raised her head a little and met Abby's eyes.

"She found out a week ago. It's a tumor and they cannot remove it."

Abby stayed silent for a long time and Lexa let her be, knowing that there was nothing she could or should say. "Brain cancer..." Abby put the pieces together, "well that... spreads fast. What's the chances, 60/40?"

"70/30"

"And they said it's too big already to be removed?" Lexa nodded.

"So that means she has, what... four months left?"

"At most. Maybe less."

They heard a noise from upstairs and Lexa jumped up, looking at Abby who reassuringly nodded. The brunette quickly made her way to her girlfriend, whose eyes were slightly open.

"Hey..." Lexa said quietly, softly stroking the blonde's cheek, "how are you feeling?"

"Like shit. Who were you talking to?"

"No one. Go back to sleep."

"Babe..." Clarke started, but paused and breathed in to gather some strength to continue, "can you hold me?"

Lexa's lips formed a small smile and she carefully climbed behind the blonde, tucked them both in and gently laid her arm around Clarke.


	26. Chapter 26

_Saturday, October 22_

Clarke woke up to the sound of the coffee machine. Her body felt sore but her head didn't ache too much anymore. She smiled when she felt the body behind her pull her a little closer and softly stroked the arm that was still holding her.

"Morning, babe", she whispered and felt a soft kiss on her shoulder.

"Morning. How are you feeling?"

"Better. Even better now that I smell coffee, actually! Didn't even realize you got up, I really must've needed that sleep."

"Yeah that's... I didn't get up." Lexa paused and let Clarke turn around to face her. "Abby's here."

"A– what?"

"I'm sorry, Clarke, I had no idea what to do yesterday, so I asked her to come."

"So that means she... knows?"

"I had to tell her, Clarke. I'm sorry, but she has to know what's going on."

Clarke didn't answer right away, she was angry but also thankful. Her facial features softened a little when she spoke again. "How did she... take it?"

"I'm not sure. I think she hasn't really realized it yet, if you know what I mean." Clarke nodded and slowly sat herself up. "We should go downstairs then."

Lexa helped her get up and put some sweatpants on, and then carefully walked her to the kitchen where Abby was preparing breakfast. When she heard the couple approach, she looked up and smiled, but her eyes betrayed her and Clarke could see how worried she was, and maybe a little hurt as well.

"You shouldn't be walking around already, sweetie."

"Mom I have cancer, I'm not dead." Clarke joked, trying to brighten up the tense situation but it didn't really work that well.

"At least sit down and eat something, you need to get some energy."

"I'm not really hungry, mom. But thanks, that breakfast looks delicious," she said and turned a little to face her girlfriend, "you really have to try those pancakes, babe!"

"Clarke, you need to eat something, too."

"Maybe later, right now I'm not sure whether I could keep it inside." She explained and Lexa and Abby nodded understandingly and got some breakfast themselves, looking at the blonde every once in a while to make sure she was okay.

* * *

The next days went by without any bigger incidents. Every now and then, Clarke would have a little breakdown or spend hours in the bathroom, but it wasn't too worrying. Her mood though worsened and she became more and more absent–minded, sometimes up to a lethargic level, staying in bed or sitting on the couch for hours, not talking, just staring into nothingness. It worried Lexa but she had spoken to Abby a lot who had assured that this was simply part of the disease and that there wasn't really much that Lexa could do about those symptoms.

Clarke knew that she hurt her girlfriend with that behavior but there was nothing that she could do, either. She just hoped that Lexa wouldn't leave her, and Lexa didn't.

Halloween came and they went out with Aden for a few hours, Raven's birthday came shortly after and they joined the party, and then a few days later, Clarke had another appointment with her doctor.

* * *

 _Friday, November 11_

"Miss Griffin, good to see you again. How are you feeling today?"

"I don't know. Good, I guess." Clarke tried and the doctor nodded, well aware of his patient's condition.

"So the test results aren't too bad, I think we can start the chemotherapy." He explained and waited for a moment for Clarke to say something, but continued when she stayed quiet. "The chemotherapy will happen through injection and you can choose whether you would like to stay in the hospital for the time of the therapy, or whether you'd like to have an ambulant treatment. It's best we start as soon as possible, it will provide the possibility of prolonging the... outcome of the–"

"My death. You can say it." Clarke interrupted him.

"Miss Griffin," he calmly continued, "the medical possibilities nowadays provide a very good chance of..." His voice faded out in Clarke's ears and the sound of her blood rushing took its place. She knew about the _medical possibilities nowadays_. She had studied it, she also had studied all the terms and phrases that doctors used when explaining the inevitable.

"... more time. I suggest we start the therapy on Tuesday and then we'll run further tests to see if–"

"Sorry Mr. Wallace, but I won't do a chemotherapy." She said, firmly looking into the doctor's eyes who was rather startled by her decision.

"Miss Griffin, please. Rejecting this therapy is–"

"A choice that I am free to make, Mr. Wallace. Thank you for everything." With that, Clarke got up and left the doctor's office, leaving a speechless Wallace behind.

* * *

"Clarke, I don't think this is the right decision." Lexa said calmly. She knew that Clarke could be stubborn but this was an irrational decision, and so very wrong.

"Babe, it's my life. I want to be in control of it. And a chemotherapy would definitely take away my chance of a rather good rest of it. Have you seen chemo patients? I don't want to end up like them."

"But it will give you more time..." Lexa tried again, knowing it was useless though.

"How much? A month? Two? I won't spend my last weeks throwing up in a bed for only one more month."

They were sitting in the Central Park again, in the same spot where Clarke had played guitar weeks ago. They often went there to talk about important and not so important things, drink wine or simply enjoy some quiet moments together.

Lexa didn't answer, and Clarke looked away. She couldn't look at her girlfriend's eyes, she couldn't see the pain. She wasn't strong enough to see how much she was hurting Lexa.

 _Lexa_... the one person who has always been there when she needed her, the person who was stronger than anyone else. The person with a horrific past who had fought her way out of a never ending loop of pain, drugs and violence. The one person who would do anything for her. The one person she wasn't ready to lose, the one person she wasn't ready to leave.


	27. Chapter 27

The next November days had been quiet, Clarke had her lethargic moments but her condition didn't worsen.

* * *

 _Friday, December 23_

It was the Christmas play at Aden's school that drew Clarke back to life. This time of the year had always been her favorite; she loved the festive atmosphere and how the whole city of New York was decorated with holiday lights.

Lexa had been an important part of the play since she had composed and arranged several songs. Clarke found herself crying a little every now and then and Lexa, holding her hand through the entire play, occasionally gently wiped her tears away and squeezed her hand reassuringly. Clarke was stunned by the performances and admired the well written storyline and of course, she was more than proud of her girlfriend whose music gave her goosebumps and, well, the tears.

They were happy tears though and Clarke knew they didn't form because of the play only. There were so many small things, she realized, that made her happy, and for the first time in years, she was looking forward to spending Christmas with her family because that meant, that her own little family would be with her, too.

* * *

 _Saturday, December 24_

"Babe, I um– on a scale from one to ten, how angry will you get when I tell you that ummm, I kind of forgot to, well, check on the potatoes?" Clarke asked, visibly embarrassed of miserably failing at cooking again.

Lexa had prepared everything. The salad, the dinner, the dessert. She had picked the wine, she had gotten a Christmas Tree, which she had decorated, as the loft as well; Aden had helped her with that though. And Clarke? Clarke had one job. To make sure the potatoes wouldn't overcook.

"Really, Clarke?" Lexa rolled her eyes but pulled Clarke close and left a smooch on her cheek.

"We can order pizza. That's kind of festive, too." She smirked.

"Ugh babe I'm so sorryyy!" The blonde whined and burrowed her face into Lexa's neck, who hugged her tightly and laughed, "No really Clarke, that's fine. We could also eat just the filets? Might be a bit boring but why not?" Clarke playfully whined again and then pulled away.

"How about we order fries? That kinda counts as potatoes, right?"

Lexa laughed, "Yeah, just as festive as pizza! I'll order them though, and you sit down, right there" she pointed towards the couch, "and you don't move!" Clarke saluted and almost tripped over the carpet.

"All good! I'm good! I'm fine! Don't worry! Go on with your life!" Clarke exclaimed while Aden and Lexa busted a gut.

* * *

 _Saturday, December 25_

They had decided to spend Christmas with Abby, Marcus and Finn, which had scared Clarke a bit, not to say terrified, but it went much better than she had expected. Marcus greeted Lexa with a handshake and also asked her about her work, he was also rather friendly with Clarke and Aden. Clarke assumed that he was trying to be polite because of her _condition_ , but she didn't really mind him actually being nice for once. Abby and Lexa had prepared the dessert and after dinner found them in the living room, where Marcus thrusted a guitar into Lexa's hand and encouraged her to entertain them. Several bottles of wine later, they were all singing, well bawling rather.

It was the first time that Clarke saw them all as one family.

They visited Aden's grandparents on December 26 and spent the rest of the holiday with Raven, Octavia and Bellamy. They played endless rounds of Monopoly and watched every Christmas movie they could find.

* * *

 _Wednesday, December 28_

"Guuyyys! Areyuu kiddin' me? What'you mean 'eres no more Tequila?" Octavia whined. She was on a good level, rather drunk but not wasted though.

"Yeah! Clarkypoo you better be sober! Gettus another bottle or two or five or so!" Raven supported Octavia and both women, who couldn't even stop giggling, bursted out laughing again.

"Why don't you just empty those two bottles over there, too? I think that's vodka." Clarke suggested.

"Ooohh my God we have vodka? Pour some, Griff! And then it's _Truth or Dare_ time!" Raven exclaimed excitedly.

"You mean _Truth_ time!" Bellamy interfered and the group laughed again, leaving Lexa with a slightly raised eyebrow.

"We don't play dare anymore since Raven almost fell out of the window once." Clarke explained.

"Yeah blah blah. Oookaayy but _Truth Or Dare_ without dare is boring as hell. What about a fine round o' _Never Have I Ever_? Nope, Bell, don't care." Raven said with a serious look on her face and threw her hand onto his mouth before he could pull out a protest speech. For some reason, Bellamy hated that game. Maybe, Clarke figured, it was because he was actually quite the upright idol. Boring, so to say.

"Neverevaever–" Octavia started and the whole group bursted out laughing again. "Ughh srrew y'all!"

"Never have I ever kissed someone in this room." Bellamy started and of course, Lexa and Clarke drank. Raven though drank too and since no once else took a sip, Lexa raised an eyebrow and her eyes wandered between Raven and Clarke, who acted like nothing happened.

"Okay, O, your turn."

"Neverevaever dreamt about havin' sex with sommon in 'is room." Again, Lexa and Clarke drank and Raven drank again as well, just as Octavia.

"Oh my God Octavia! You're straight as fuck, and Bell is your brother! Who the fuck were you dreaming about?" Raven and Clarke shouted at the same time.

"Ummmm..."

"Fuck this shit, we're playing Truth or Dare!" Raven laughed.

"Forget it!" Clarke stated, "Never have I ever said _I love you_ without meaning it."

"Oh shit Griff, deeepp!" Bellamy said. Everyone except Lexa took a sip.

"Oh c'mon Lex, you can't be that much of an angel!" Raven nagged but Lexa just shrugged. "Whatever, angel. Your turn!"

"Never have I ever... been too sober for this shit!" And then they got hammered.


	28. Chapter 28

**Note:** _Check out my new Fanfiction "Shores" :) It's a romantic drama._

 _Thanks for all the reviews, follows and favorites on this one. (Edit: Especially to **Midnight Nightmere** )  
_ _Thank you for reading. May we meet again._

* * *

 _._

 _Saturday, December 31_

"Mmmornin' babe" Clarke mumbled and slowly opened her eyes.

"Hello, stranger" Lexa replied with a soft smile on her face.

"Wanna know about my dream?" Clarke asked in her low raspy voice and raised an eyebrow which left Lexa's mouth dry.

"I was in this bed and there was something that tasted really good." Lexa gulped, "and I'm really hoping that I get to taste it again now that I'm awake. And I'd like to have coffee and eggs with that delicious bacon!" She laughed at Lexa who rolled her face into the pillow.

"God, Clarke!" She mumbled, "Don't do that to me, ever again!"

"Sorry babe! So am I getting my breakfast now?" The blonde cracked an innocent smile and Lexa sighed and got up. "You're lucky that you're so unbelievably beautiful and sweet!"

Lexa was cooking Clarke's breakfast when she heard her girlfriend padding down the stairs and smiled when she felt her wrapping her arms around her from behind.

"You know what?"

"Hm."

"I was thinking about something earlier." Clarke said and pulled her girlfriend a little closer, "I kinda remembered something." She kissed the back of the brunette's neck, laid her chin onto her shoulder, her lips brushing against Lexa's skin as she whispered, "Will you marry me?".

Lexa froze and Clarke quietly continued, "I remembered that I still had one question left. This is it."

She loosened her embrace a little to give Lexa enough space to turn around. A single tear ran down the brunette's cheek as she met Clarke's eye. "Clarke..."

"God, Lexa. This is the moment where you actually have to say Yes or No. I'd prefer Yes though." Clarke laughed.

Instead of answering, Lexa tucked a loose strand behind Clarke's ear, cupped the blonde's cheek and pulled her into a soft kiss. It didn't deepen though. They were just standing there in a close embrace, their lips moving against each other ever so gently.

"Is that a Yes?" Clarke smiled as she slowly pulled away and a speechless Lexa nodded. "Really?" Clarke blinked in some kind of disbelief and the brunette laughed. "Yes, Clarke, really! I love you. Of course I'll marry you!"

"Oh great! I don't– have a ring or something. Shit. I should've gotten you a ring! Ugh I totally messed that up! We don't even have candles!"

"Clarke," Lexa said calmly, waiting for the blonde to look at her before she continued, "it was perfect."

"Thank God! Oh and you know since it's New Year's Eve tonight, I thought we should spend it at _our place._ I mean yeah it's super cold 'n stuff but watching the fireworks in the Central Park is super romantic though, isn't it? What do you think, babe?"

"I'd love that!"

* * *

It was really cold indeed but they were tucked in thick warm blankets, so it was okay. It was almost midnight and the whole city was already celebrating. They had considered joining the big party on Times Square but now they were glad that they'd spend New Year's Eve in a rather calm place. _Their_ place.

Lexa climbed behind Clarke, and pulled her closer. Clarke rested her head against the brunette's shoulder while the women leaned against the tree behind her.

They had completely forgotten about time and slightly winced when the fireworks started. She smiled when she felt Lexa's lips brushing against her ear when the other woman whispered "Happy New Year, Clarke." She turned her head and met Lexa's lips in a soft kiss that lasted an eternity. They were completely lost in each other and both noticed the tears that slowly ran down their cheeks because the emotions they shared through their kiss where overwhelming, it had everything. _Thankfulness, commitment, promises, love and hope._

They slowly pulled away, eyes meeting for a long moment, until Clarke turned back to watch the fireworks, while snuggling herself into Lexa.

Every now and then they whispered sweet nothings to each other, until they fell completely silent.

Clarke was thinking about their relationship. Her heart still jumped at the thought that they were actually _engaged_ now. Yes, maybe it was kind of early but it felt right.

Her mind wandered back to older memories. She was thinking about their first kiss and smiled.

She remembered how their lips barely met and how she was sure that this was the softest kiss she had ever felt. She remembered thinking that she was kissing a stranger, a person she knew absolutely nothing about, but for some reason it had felt familiar, somehow it had felt right. _She didn't know what it was exactly, though._ Clarke smiled, because now, she knew. It was _home._

They stayed like this until the sun slowly rose above the city.

"I love you, Clarke, but it's really cold, we should go back home now." Lexa said, softly tucking a strand behind Clarke's ear. "Clarke?" She gently cupped the blonde's cheek and turned her face so that she could see her. Clarke's eyes were closed and she had a peaceful look on her face.

Lexa's lips formed a small smile, and she leaned down to kiss Clarke's forehead.

"Goodbye, stranger."

.

.

.

* * *

 _YT /watch?v=Oextk-If8HQ_

 _Keane – Somewhere Only We Know_


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